Father's Day grief

[Mustang67]

My Dad died on Christmas day last year, so I am going through the 1st of everything without him 😭

I am no stranger to loss, so I roughly knew what to expect. Except for the fact that the loss of a parent is far greater for me that the loss of my partner. 

My Dad was my go to person for any advise and he was always there with his arms open wide. I didn't realise until after he passed, that he had some of the same issues that I have been struggling with since my childhood. And unfortunately he didn't seek help, or even realise why he was the way he was. But it all makes sense to me now.

But since it is Father's Day on Sunday, I am constantly being reminded of his loss every time I see or hear a Father's Day advertisement.

My sister is going all out and buying a cake and getting balloons, and she will be putting his scattering tube on the table with his balloons 🍰🎈

And my mum has written a poem for him. She read it to me a couple of days ago, and it is the first time I have heard the emotion and sadness in her voice since he passed. I think she is at the next stage, acceptance that she will not see him again, until it is her time to go ☹️

It has made me think, that in this day and age with targeted advertising, why can't they create an app or something where we can select what sort of advertising we don't want to see on our devices, so I don't have to get constantly triggered.

Kindest regards

😊🌹🌻🌷

[tyme]

Hey @Mustang67 ,

Grief is very real. I'm sorry to hear how hard it is for you every year.

Have you been about to open up to speak to anyone about how to manage the grief?

[Mustang67]

Hey @tyme 

Yes I have a therapist that I see, but unfortunately she needed to take some time off, but I think she is seeing people again. I think it is time to make another appointment. She is very good and knowing where I am on the grief journey. As I said I lost my partner 22 years ago on the 30th of next month. But that did not prepare me for loosing my dad. It is a completely different kind of loose.

He had taught me so much and his death has left a massive hole in my heart.  You go along in your day and then you will go to do something, and think to myself, I must tell Dad. And then it hits you all over again that you can't anymore 😓

I watching my mum missing him so much. They were married for 47 years. She is fading away, and has already told me, that she doesn't want to live any more. He health is starting to decline as well. I told her she can't leave us yet, as it is too soon. But I know exactly how she feel, as I too didn't want to live anymore when, who I thought was the love of my life, took his own life. I wanted so much to join him.

[Eve7]

I'm sorry @Mustang67 it sux. That's all I can say and I've been there.

[Mustang67]

Hi @Eve7 I am so sorry for your loss.

And thank you for your support.

[Mustang67]

@tyme 

I find with my grief with regards to my partner, my body seems to have it's own little calendar.

I could be keeping myself busy throughout the month of September, but as soon as it is the 30th (even if I am not aware of the date), my body and mind start to re-live the feelings and emotions that I went through. 

After my breakthrough with being able to release the guilt I felt for his death, now all I feel is anger towards him and his family. He was my 1st abuser and I never got to tell him just how unfair and unjust his abuse was. I have yelled and cried at his headstone, which makes me feel better for a little while, but the anger won't shift.

I asked his brother if he would take over the responsibility of his burial plot. And he refused. 

Then I have his son telling me that the way he turned out was all my fault. And he turned out just like his dad. Except the female he abused, pressed charges and he has been in and out of jail several times. I don't see how that's my fault. 

I was hoping that since I am angry at him now, those feelings and emotions would pass, but last year they were still there.

I am really hoping that my body can catch up with my mind and move on from it.

[tyme]

My dear @Mustang67 ,

You are so strong.

I hope you find a way to work through some of this so that you can move on in a way you deserve.

For me, as I read your post, I could feel something within me. I ought to have a lot of hatred for people in my life. Yet I have come to the point that I don't want to hold any anger within me because it will only eat me up inside. This has taken time. 

I only spoke to 2 people today and they cannot believe I don't hold any hard feelings for the people who have recently hurt me. I have so much peace in my heart at the moment.

I hope this pain doing pull up back from living life. You deserve the best.

Hugs.

[Mustang67]

Thank you for your kind words @tyme

And like you, with all the people that have done me wrong or betrayed me, I should have a heart of stone. But that is not me. I was a bit like that for a little while, but time has mellowed me and I have forgiven those people so I could move forward in life.

I just do my best to be nice to people and help out when I can, and that is enough for me at the moment. My journey has been a long one, but I can feel a shift in my thinking and hope some how, that I can find somewhere to live, so I can live a peaceful and happy life with my daughter and pets.

But since I can't work, public housing is my only choice and they have placed me as a category 3, so that is minimum a 5 year wait. At the moment this is the main issue that is doing my head in, as I am living between my mum's and my ex places, and I feel like I don't belong anywhere.

[tyme]

Thank you for sharing @Mustang67 . 

It's not easy - I hear that. Yet it's so good to hear that you can forgive those who have wronged you so that you can move on. I think this is so important.

It shows your strength and resilience too.

[ArraDreaming]

Yeah, Father’s Day is hard, my dad is dead too.
Not that he was much of a Dad to me.
I try my best to focus on the family I have in front of me and changing the cycle for my family.