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Was feeling very low due to chronic pain…all over 

…. Checked lumbar…. back from doctor…But it was just osteoarthritis … good thing is he lowered blood pressure meds…. So that is a win…, I have been cutting them in half anyway… 

also reflecting a lot on problems in leadership and on the men question 

feeling it is very new for me to be able to say no

or have many real choices at all 

Man stuff:

1) man not really my type, too short, too attached to dead wife, too normal and middle class… wasn’t even used to having rice in a meal where I was used to it since childhood, didn’t say thank you when I provided or listened a Lot. I actually think my side of it was just being polite and caring and being a team player in church community… I didn’t…”have feelings “ for him… let him hug me to be nice etc… but he was too money minded even though he denied it 

2) man with potential…. Tall enough Outdoorsy, educated and religious, but maybe more religious than truly spiritual or deeply compassionate. Maybe he was burned out by his work in various church church roles… deeply restless … I could wish…  I need my vulnerability taken seriously otherwise it is a no go 

Leadership stuff… is ongoing in a few different roles … 3 distinct areas

1) at least church choir conductor is respectful and decent to me… Will be singing, playing organ and recorder … so skills used and not being bulldozed by a person who knows how to conduct herself with ethical leadership… also was a secondary teacher but that doesn’t automatically mean good leadership 

@Glisten @rav3n @Dimity @Emelia8 @Zoe7 @Shaz51 @tyme @Faith-and-Hope @Eve7 @PeppiPatty @Abner