It's been a while and I find myself back here and the need to communicate.
I am not going to talk about anyone else here, just the man in the mirror.
Despite a couple of recent hospital visits and few ongoing health concerns life goes on.
Recently decided to move to a place of my own and thought I could use this opportunity to change my life's current projection ( which is going nowhere fast).
Here is a written version of my mental plan.
I don't really have any furniture or much items for the house, so the plan was have a quick look at what I have and decided I need to buy all the below items.
Microwave, Kettle, Toaster, dinner wear, Cutlery, cups and glasses, washing machine, a kitchen table and few other items that I can't think of right now.
Here is the situation, My daughter gave me a fridge/frezzer, a lounge, a TV and TV cabinet. I think she is going to give me also a Tall boy too.
My son bought me the Microwave. I already have a very nice comfy bed which I had refused to get rid of for years ( and I am glad). I have a desk ( or actually I have two)
Now this place has no curtains, so I decided I need one Blackout curtain and some sheer curtains as well.
Here is the problem. You saw the list! How hard can it be?
I already have been to Ikea 3-4 times, have been to Spot light 2-3 times. All I managed to get which I forced myself was dinnerwear and some cutlery, which are still in the box and I have not unpacked them yet.
I told myself, write a plan of action. what you want to buy, measure all the windows ( which I did), do some research and just go and buy the items, how hard can it be, specially when I don't really care really what color and shape it is. The items need to be practical and not dirt cheap. They need to be foit for the purpose.
The plan was I use this small project to make my my own decisions, I carry it out from start to finish and document my process, then pick something else in my life and rinse and repeat.
I was goingf to use this house project as my stepping stone to write down and carry out anything else i like to do in my life.............................Little did I know!
I can't seem to be able to make a decision when it comes to my own interest.
To be honest, it is not hard at all. I mean it can't be that hard. It was and is more of a project that allows me to feel good about a decision in my life I made and stuck with it and carried it through and enjoy the fruit of my labor.
I wrote a whole page about why I wanted to only to rely opn myself for this project ( mind you did try to cheat and tried to consult my kids, however they were busy at the time).
The whole idea is decide on what I want to do, write it down and carry it through and remember the steps it took, the thought process, the frustration, the decisions, the mental aspect of it and then feel good about acheiving it and then repeat the process and live my life and move forward.
I can not do it.
Knowing something does not make a bit of difference.
My Lens is Broken and it seems like I don't see the world the same as some/ most people. Perhaps this could have something to do with I decided 17 days ago to stop my ADHD med.
I thought, I was doing fine without it and could manage without it, however to soon to tell.
I have even started to analyse myself and see all these partterns which I just explained one above. I can see clearly and with a lot of frustration that I have a challange in my hand, however just can't seem to be able to do anything about it.
The only thing that motivates me to go to the end of earth and come back is being in a relationship and my emotional need. I think that bucket is empty and drives all my decisions and drive me crazy.
Time to go to bed. I need my beauty sleep.
Thanks for reading and good night Folks.
