I have noticed that I am playing scenarios from the past over and over again as if they were a movie. In this movie there is just a barrage of things I've experienced that were negative. I'm constantly going back into it. I can't sit still with these feelings, I feel horrible, gross, ugly. Sometimes they come out of me and I end up hurting those closest to me.
I hate myself for this. I am struggling to move past it. I want to understand it better so that I can move on.
I think I need to take some time now to write out what I'm actually experiencing.
I don't know where or how to start. I would approach this whole thing chronologically if I of course could, but it feels like I can't. All I really feel is my soul getting crushed slowly and the pain from that is piercing into my heart. It's a sharp pain. It makes me want to get up walk away.
Even just now I pretended to look away at something on my phone - it's like I am distracted completely by things.
I overcompensate with things. I feel like I'm not good enough. I'm down on myself. It's very hard.
Last night I had a bit of an argument with my partner about something trivial, we made up but I feel woeful. I spoke to her about how these traumas from the past are affecting me. I need her empathy and at times I just don't know how to speak to her about things. She said I can and it'll be okay. But I don't want to burden her.
You see there is so much I want to say but don't know how to say it. In one minute I can't speak, then the next I wish I could say everything all at once. It's like I have unconscious experience before I am able to articulate exactly what it is - if that makes any sense?
I feel a rush and sense of urgency behind everything in my life except for that which matters most to me - my actual mental health. The one thing that should be prioritised. In my own way. I can't ask the world to prioritize it for me or indeed for the world to slow down for me. I can't fake being strong because that is a form of weakness. So what is the strong thing to do? Cultivate a new world view? Articulate a strategy to get better? Search the deepest elements of my pain and come to a resolution? Maybe it is a combo of all three.
last night I spoke to my sister on the phone and told her that the traumas from the past are getting to me a lot lately.
as I meditate on them now I find that there are so many. Call them traumas or bad experiences or whatever, but the point is that they are real and they are there. IT's like they are happening now in the present. But I know, intellectually, they are not happening. The divide between the present and the past is not there - everything is the past and everything is the present. There's too much mixed up between the two of them.
I grew tired of my old psychologist because he was looking like he was falling asleep in the sessions which really bugged me. It made me self conscious. Like I was meant to be entertaining. He also made some suggestive comments about onlyfans (something I personally disagree with but moot point), it bugged me.
My issue too is that I am intelligent and perceptive enough to know things in myself, but lately I have wondered down a path that has taken me so far from who and what I am.
Similar to Raskalnikov, I have gone far down a path of unsatiated brutal reason and logic. But my own conscious, intact as it is, has rubbed up against myself. I haven't murdered anyone like he did, but I have done things I cringe at. Not on par with murder but things that I no longer see as ethical and I see no other reason behind it as psychological abuse and shame within the church atmosphere I was at when I was young. I used to visit massage parlours for sexual reasons and I feel gross for talking about it, but I must say that it comes with the additional context of sexual shame and guilt in the church environment. This also factored into the way I behaved in the past with regards to dating and trying to hook up. Part of me thinks this is an excuse. But the other part of me sees this as an explanation. Now that I am more self aware, it is a different story altogether. My reason and desperate attempt to try and blot out the pain from the past is rubbing against me and causing me harm psychologically. Even now as I mention it, I feel a bit better. But I don't just want to "feel" better, I want to "be" better.
Being placed into a state of shame and guilt at a formative age really screwed me up. Last night I said something truly shocking, I said that I wished I had been abused sexually because at least that way I would be able to understand why I am the way I am now. It is a horrible thing to say, but it comes from a place of confusion and torment deep within.
This place of torment and confusion - this is something I have experienced for so long now and I am done with it.
I've already beaten suicide. If i can do that, then I can take the next step towards betterment and improving my own state of mind.
It's hard. Very hard.
But the thing is I recall a time in my life where I was better, both psychologically and physically. It was about April-May 2022. Two years ago. I've gone far down a path and I've now decided to leave it. To simply just ditch it. To just move off into a new one. One where I will not be bothered by the same things , one where I stand up for myself , one where I will seek the help I need , one where I won't shy away from saying what I truly feel about anything in a given moment. one that will not feed paranoia and overly skeptical thinking.
I feel a bit better for making this post and I will now call a help service to guide me through feeling so overwhelmed with things.
