Lived Experience Forum

[Srobe1976]

Two years ago my marroage fell apart and my husband blamed some of it on my mental health. This is inspite me struggling with it for the 25 years of our marriage, and DH not make any effort to understand it, but to just ignore it. 

After two years of meds, counselling and personal growth I feel like I am relatively stable, but I dont trust him to support me if I slip again. My question is this. If you feel yourself starting to get depressed or anxious again, do you tell him? Our marriage is still broken and I just can't trust him for support anymore, which is my problem not his. He has been supportive in his way of ignoring the problem and he still won't talk to me.

I am anxious with a new job I start in a month with a bank and I cant talk to him. What do I do? I have asked what would happen if I started feeling depressed again and he said he would support me, but he hasnt go the coping skills for that yet.

[TuxedoCat]

Hey @Srobe1976, welcome to the forums! I'm one of the peer worker here, it's nice to e-meet you. 

It sounds like you have been working really hard to build up your MH toolkit and this has helped you feel more stable. That is so awesome, I hope you feel proud of that. But I also hear that you're questioning if your husband could actually support you if you had a bit of challenging time. I'm so sorry to hear this ❤️ 

It sounds like maybe you could talk to your husband about what you're experiencing if you felt like it, but that it might not result in much support. Does that sounds right?

I'm wondering if you feel there are other people or professionals in your life who could support you?

I know for me, after a relationship or friendship has changed or ended, I want to reach out to that person because it's a bit of a habit. Especially if they were previously a big support for me! And I think that's ok. But it often hasn't resulted in me getting the support I want or need because that person doesn't want to provide that anymore. This might not be the same for your relationship, but I'm wondering if maybe it does. 

Is any of this useful for you @Srobe1976? 

[tyme]

Hi @Srobe1976 ,

Thanks you for posting. 

After reading your story, do you think your husband feels your mental health is 'beyond him' and he is actually acting the way he is because of fear? For some, fear causes them to avoid situations - and this is the coping mechanism for many. 

As @TuxedoCat , it's probably healthy to look at supports outside your relationship e.g. therapists and professionals? 

Do you have any other supports?

We also have SANE counsellors you can contact through our drop-in line if you every feel the need. They are available M-F 10am-10pm on 1800 187 263.

Look forward to hearing from you.

[NatureLover]

Hi again @Srobe1976 ,

I'm wondering if you can write down or tell your husband something along the following lines:

• "When I'm depressed, I need/want you to listen / just sit with me / bring me cups of tea / whatever else you need."

• "When I'm anxious I want/need you to ..."

• "I will try to tell you clearly when I am depressed or anxious."

If you express it in very clear, basic terms he might allow himself to be educated. 

This might work if he is willing, but not if he wants to ignore your mental health, I guess. 

Good luck...

[tyme]

Hey @Srobe1976 ,

How are you?

[Srobe1976]

Thank you. I speak to sane every fortnight, and a local womans health support worker hioefully soon. I did have a psychologist but he stopped coming to rural qld in covid. No replacement service available.

[Srobe1976]

Im talking to you thanks for the suplort

[Srobe1976]

Thanks. My husbands biggest problem is he is a fixer. Whats wrong ok how do i fix it. Conversations are dead ended because i dont want him to fix things, just listen. But without the distraction of the kids that have grown up now, we dont really have anything to talk about anyway. Tbh id rather stay on my own most of the time.

[Srobe1976]

Im ok. Freaked out, but ok. I just dont feel like me at the moment, if I even know what that is. Its part of the journey I guess. Every decision is a block in a wall to my stable house. Im just scared im not building any windows and a one way door.

[tyme]

That sounds so hard @Srobe1976 . I'm glad you can connect with us here on SANE as well as over the phone. 

There is someone online on these forums 24/7 so you are not alone.