Lived Experience Forum

[Corny]

I am sorry that I have hit some raw nerves @LostAngel , but in another way I have probably saved you thousands and thousands of dollars in therapy! But I do apologise sincerely if I have.

I think that crying is a healthy thing. I can't stand the blunting the anti-d's do to me, I cannot shed a tear while on them and it feels unhealthy.

Sometimes its not until someone else identifies the impact of their trauma that it dawns on you, how much it has contributed to lots of unhealthy patterns in ourselves. I know that it is quite a cheesy example but I think it is one a lot of people identify with, and that is that Oprah Winfrey was one of the first people to have that impact on me in primary school/early high school. It was absolutely gobsmacking in the very early 90’s to hear a women talking on the TV about her CSA. Gobsmacking. I think also why it had such a deep resonance with me, is because she was equally outraged by the role of women in CSA. She didn’t let women off the hook, which is totally how I feel too. Some people must think I am some sort of hard core feminist just because I am a lesbian, they could not be further from the truth. I have never been able to find a sincere women to love, they have always had some ulterior motive or used me and then left. A pattern I was drawn to subconsciously, because I was only ever treated as a utility, never a person.

Like you, my body was objectified as a child from a very tender age with the same crimes, and I feel like it has never been treated or touched with any respect.

I totally get how that feels.

It took many years of therapy for me to see my patterns, and if I am honest for most of my life I have not even attracted nice friends let alone nice lovers. Even my first group of gay friends, on reflection, were absolutely horrible people. Absolutely horrible people. I was telling my psychiatrist what on earth was I thinking, it makes me so so sad that I have such low standards for myself…….but it is all that I knew.

But we don’t get a free pass just because we have had trauma We are accountable for our actions, and no one likes to feel used or disrespected. And I don’t just mean abusive, I also mean disingenuous. My youngest sib and friends have been on online dating apps, and it seems to be full of people, just having the latest fight with their husband/wife/spouse and are just wanting to get back at them and make them jealous. People’s capacity to lie is unbelievable. A separation is just a holiday, the wedding ring mysteriously disappears only to reappear.

Thank you for coming back and engaging in a conversation. I think that everyone gets more out of it when things are shared. All the best, Corny 

[wellwellwellnez]

This is really illuminating to me. I'm struggling not to over-project but like I was saying before, after looking into attachment stuff, it is everywhere. It is so many things that happen in basically every relationship. Kind of reminds me of Freud but a bit more specific and refined.

Reductively, seems we're all trying to do human things. But we've got to simultaneously be ourselves and someone else's other. Where does compromise end and compromising begin? I honestly don't know. I'm getting closer (millimetre by millimetre) but it feels like an impossible question.

Same time, every step feels like a blessing. Better engagement is the prize.

[Corny]

Thank you @wellwellwellnez .

At one point in my journey of coming to terms with my early life, I did read a lot about child maltreatment. I haven't so much in the last few years, I have been too unwell. But my eldest sib and I were talking, and there is a tendency in the media, and in science too because it is easier to study, and that is, that all the focus is on Trauma, Trauma, Trauma, the word is everywhere. But my sib and I agree that what did the most damage to all of us, and what stings our hearts the deepest is actually the neglect. Neglect has destroyed me. My memories of neglect is what has broken me. Rejection on that level was soul destroying. And it makes me feel so helpless some days because all the research says that most of the damage is done <5yrs of age. 

I have a very anxious attachment style. I didn't ask for it, but it has given me lots of pain. I wish I could change it, but I don't attract nice people. They can smell my past on me. A sucker. But I am starting to fight back and hold my ground. I don't know where I will end up, I am still human and yearn for love, but I won't take too many risks either, I try to focus on the love I do have, and nurture those relationships. 

all the best, Corny 

[Appleblossom]

Hearing you that trauma needs unpacking and can be over used. @Corny 

Consequences of neglect are HUGE.  Sounds like @LostAngel had a lot of neglect too.

@wellwellwellnez 

Sounds like a healthy conversation

Take Care All

Apple

[LostAngel]

LostAngel talked to lifeline and Lost Angel needs to take the steps moving forward to deal with this the root problem in relationships is my deep seated fear of rejection and the need to feel loved lostAngel understands now whats causing so much pain to not just herself but also those around her fear of rejection needs to stop and only she can stop it by facing it head on talk about her biggest fear to the man shes getting to know,honestlty tell him the truth about whats hurting her emotionally so that she can stop in turn hurting him with the same fear she needs to talk to him first then she needs to take a huge chance and let him him emotionally,let him be close to her physically and emotionally,so then rejection will no longer be a factor once she addresses the fear itself,she can then be free of it,let go of fear and instead replace it with love and intamacy and affection and all the good things she and the man she chooses deserve to have together,good things,happy things,trusting and loving things no more fear only love,trust and honesty with each other its up to lostAngel to make a positive change and take steps to move forward 

[LostAngel]

your so right @Appleblossom it was emotional neglect 

[Appleblossom]

I had some similar experiences though my mother was probably not quite as bad.

a little loving kindness ... to self 

@LostAngel 

[Corny]

I agree with a lot of what you say @LostAngel - but I also think that it is healthy to have some time out........I understand your yearning, we all have that. It is only human to want connection. But our judgment can be clouded if we choose to avoid, and not take the time to examine what is underneath.

Maybe finding another mate feels healthy in the moment - but is quite the opposite in reality. 

Us that live with MI, have to be careful. We are vulnerable people. 

There is nothing to be lost, in slowing it all down......I think that if we are more aware we attract people that are sincere. If we are on auto-pilot, we tend to attract Users-&-Takers. Best, Corny