I am struggling at the moment

[outlander]

@Teej im not sure if @Sans911 or @Faith-and-Hope is around atm. Theyve usually got much better advice than i do! but im happy to just sit or if it helps talk for a little while to help with your safety atm?

[Sans911]

Hey @Teej

I'm hearing you. This might sound hard, but it comes from a place of understanding and love for you.

Numbing those feelings only makes them go away for a short time right? Learning to sit with those feelings is super hard. I know from my own experiences. But I've learnt to sit with them, really feel the immense, stormy ride of them, and fighting every inch of the way to numb out.

The problem with shutting out feelings the way you and I do is you have to have more of what you take as your body learns to tolerate. With that it's a little like Russian Roulette. How much will push you over the edge permanently. I know you are in great emotional pain, by I also know deep down you want to live.

I can sit here with you, and you can rant, chant,, scream at me all night. I'd never take it personally. But winning the battle over those shitty feelings feels good after a while. My self hate is huge, and I mess up too. A lot. I frequently put my foot in it. But nobody taught me social skills in my life. I've learnt by mistake after mistake. I'm a slow learner, and I wonder if I'll ever get it right. But it's not my fault if I'm misunderstood and mess up. Neither I or the other party are mind readers. Communication is a two way street. Maybe they messed up by misunderstanding you.

People like you and I are hard wired differently from others, much like many people here in this forum. Much of our lives has been a fight for survival, not how to communicate. We've had to be defensive first, so sometimes we overstep that mark.

I'm here for you @Teej

Try to stay around tonight. I understand t will be hard this first time to sit with those feelings, but I'm right here with you in this. 💜💜💜

[Appleblossom]

Not sure if it is off the mark but wondering how a 

self hate storm

resonates with

good enuff parenting.

@Teej

[Sans911]

@Teej if I've offended or overstepped the mark or boundaries I'm sorry. I hope that's not the case. I've a feeling you've possibly numbed the feelings you're having. And I totally get that sometimes it is the only thing that helps. Please take care.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hey @Teej .... hi 💜💐

Breatge through it Hon ..... just like childbirth ..... those tough moments don’t last forever, just need to get through them in the moment and find calmer waters on the other side.

Higs n hugs .... please take care ....

[Teej]

Thank you @Faith-and-Hope, @Sans911, @Appleblossom, @outlander, and those under the support button. 

Yep @Sans911 you were right. I did numb but no alcohol which I guess is a small win. 

All my vulnerabilities came together in a storm is the short answer. No sleep, forgot my meds, PMS and a helpline phone call that left me more frustrated (probably cos I was maybe already in emotion mind). I’d been trying to problem solve something when it’s was building. I was feeling very insecure, defeated and hopeless. 

Have woken with my periods so know that part of my crazy will be back under control soon, have slept maybe 15 hours so that feels better and taken meds so have rectified much from yesterday. Still feel groggy and missed my group that I wanted to go to.....the down side. 

Im sorry that I posted anything. It’s kind of crazy that I did. I think I’d taken some stuff by then. I’m not sure what I was thinking. Thank you all as always for your support 💜🤗 @Sans911 thank you for your heartfelt response. It was so good to read this morning. 😊

[outlander]

Its good to hear from you @Teej 💜

[Appleblossom]

I believe the No alcohol is a big win @Teej

and yes it is good to just hear from you.

I often reflect on my different mood states when I have posted.  

Yes that stuff can pass, but sometimes it is the braver thing to say it as it is, at the time, post it and reach out.

[Teej]

Thanks @Appleblossom, @outlander 💜🤗

PS i think childbirth was easier @Faith-and-Hope 😲. I was one of the lucky ones with it though 😊.

[Sans911]

No need to apologise @Teej. I think you were still trying to reach for help in the midst of it all, when all those vulnerabilities were showing, and that is an admirable thing to do. My wish for you is that one day facing those vulnerabilities and emotional storm won't be so hard. Hugs ❤️ 💜 💙