I am struggling at the moment

[Sans911]

Aww @Teej you NEVER owe me a response nor must you feel obliged. But in the same sense, I'm pleased that what I've said was 'a catalyst for deep reflection'.

I guess I've moved on from my own sh in many ways by doing that same deep reflection. I realised that I was hurting myself the most, both physically & mentally. No one cared that much if I choose to sh. No one but me could stop me or change how I felt. And I was choosing to continue to be internally angry at myself, instead of being angry at those who I felt hurt by. It doesn't mean I hurt those who I felt hurt me. Because I am the one choosing to feel hurt. And it doesn't mean either everything is 'magically' fixed. I still feel urges to sh. This comes from either needing to punish myself, internalise my anger or shut down.

All my life I have stuffed down my feelings. I've shut down instead of saying how I feel. I've shut down to stop feeling at all. I've invalidated myself instead of telling people that they've invalidated me.

So now I'm determined to be more authentic & true to myself. It's something that's taking a very long time to practice, and many a time it's incredibly hard & uncomfortable. It's so very, very painful to sit & feel those hurt, icky feelings. Yet they eventually pass. If you consciously choose to let them go as well. It's also very liberating and empowering though to get through these challenges.

And people can't know how you feel, aren't motivated to change their own ways or even begin to understand how hurt you've felt unless you speak up and say so. Of course, that's also what I'm working on too. Communicating my hurt, feelings, etc in a meaningful, effective way.

And some final thoughts on recovery. Recovery isn't linear @Teej. It's twisted, sideways, up and down and around and back again :face_with_rolling_eyes::face_with_rolling_eyes:. It's a constant work in progress. Getting things so so one day, and f%#$king it up completely the next. But it's also saying 'I'm trying' and 'I'm doing the best I can at any given moment' but being human too.

I love who you are @Teej. You're raw, honest, vulnerable and an amazingly resilient woman. You've come a long way recently so give yourself some credit. 💜💜💜💜💜

@outlander @Snowie - some thoughts of mine you might find interesting or helpful 💜💜💜💜💜💜

[Snowie]

@Teej 💜

[Teej]

I'm back here for the record should anything happen. I messed up monumentally. I blew my communication. I didn't read what was coming and spent time focusing on me and what I thought I needed. I missed the boat when it was in dock and now I'm scared it's sailed and I'm left all alone on the dock feeling totally defeated and not knowing who I am or what I'm supposed to do.  I feel like I can't ask for help because it was me that messed up and that I'm damned because I got caught up in my own stupid agenda.  I didn't think I would feel this broken again. I thought I was slowly going forwards, but apparently not at the rate i neeeded to. I'm so sorry to everyone I've hurst and messed up with. I've not liked myself even an inch for a long time but I thought I was finding ways to move forward with self acceptance but apparently not. I've screwed up and hurt people I care for. I've been more selfish that at anytime before and so wish I could find that kind caring person who used to post on the forum and cared for everyone so deeply but got caught up in my own vortex of my needs. 
im so sorry for messing up my forum time and offline relationships too. Enough for now but really really wanted things to be on record that I'm the one who messed stuff uppp

[Teej]

Ps sorry but probs won't be able to respond tonight. Due to circumstances of my control. Hopefully will tomorrow 

[outlander]

@Teej 🌻💜💜

[outlander]

Your not alone @Teej we're here with and for you. Your not a bad person either, we all make mistakes. Baby steps in moving forward now 💜

[Faith-and-Hope]

Here with you too @Teej  💜🌹

[Faith-and-Hope]

Thinking of you @Teej  ..... 💜💞🌷

Can we have a check-in Hon ?

[Snowie]

Here for you and with you @Teej 

Lots of love and hugs hon 💜💜💜

[roses]

I am feeling a little better, but I still feel like I am living in automatic pilot. My daughter said I need therapy, but I don’t know who to go to and whether I can afford it.. Thanks for your encouragement, roses