Don’t know where else to go..

[SleeplessRaven]

TW: mentions suicide

I’m here because I don’t know where else to go - I can’t trust any of the psychologists/psychiatrists I’ve been seeing and I can’t talk to my partner about anything as it’s too much for him to handle. I don’t feel like I should post/haven’t posted before because I feel like they’re watching/monitoring me and they’ll know if I say anything online, but I’m not in a good place and I need advice. 

I’ve had multiple different diagnoses across the past few years and was hospitalised for 5 weeks last year after a suicide attempt and they wouldn’t let me leave but they also wouldn’t help me at the same time. I’ve struggled a lot with voices and hallucinations over the years, and also suffered a fair bit of trauma in my youth. I’m on ap meds but they do nothing when I’m having an episode and I’m so sick and tired of psychiatrists telling me I’m not actually hallucinating or hearing voices and psychologists dismissing my experiences. Between being told I need to see them multiple times a week to I shouldn’t be seeing them for a while and I need a break from mental health services, I don’t know what to do. Not one of them is listening to a word I say but I knew this was going to happen - it always has because they’re all the same and part of the same bs and I can’t talk to any of them

Content/trigger warning

I hear a lot of voices, constantly, and the ones that tell me I need to end my life are back and they won’t stop. I’m far more stable than I was a couple months ago when I was completely unable to do anything for weeks but it feels like everytime this happens it gets worse and worse. I was seeing new psychologists/psychiatrists but they made things 100x worse and I’m supposed to see my old psychiatrist from when I was hospitalised next week but I don’t even know what the point is.

 It’s not like they can or will help me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to want from them now or what they can do for me. Everything feels wrong. I shouldn’t be here and I don’t know what to do. I can barely convince myself to push the post button because part of me knows they’re going to know 

[rav3n]

hey there @SleeplessRaven! firstly, welcome to the forums. love the username btw, nice to see another raven on the forums🐦‍⬛

i'm so sorry to hear how overwhelming and rough your experience has been. those are some heavy voices to deal with on your own, are there any strategies that have helped quieten them in the past? we have a Hearing voices and psychosis thread that you're welcome to check out and connect with too. (p.s. i've added a spoiler tag to your post)

it can be really discouraging when professionals invalidate our experiences, but please know that this doesn't make you any less worthy of support.
unfortunately it can take a bit of trial and error to find a professional that does understand you - and i know that it can be frustrating and exhausting to do so, but it will be worth it in the long run. i'm wondering if you have other supports (i.e. friends/family members) who could help advocate for you? if not, you can find external ones here: Advocacy

i can see that it's taken a lot of strength to reach out, and we appreciate you for being here. i hope you can take a deep breath and know that even though things feel wrong, you've done the right thing in reaching out. you deserve to be heard, we're here to listen and support you. 💙

i also wanted to check, are you able to stay safe at the moment? 

[SleeplessRaven]

@rav3n Thank you for checking in - I am safe at the moment, but I also don’t always know if that’s true because there are things which take over and I’ll no longer be in control, and things happen which are incredibly damaging and can’t be reversed. 

it’s been a literal lifetime of this and I haven’t yet developed reliable strategies that actually help when I have an episode. I’ve done CBT and EMDR with multiple psychologists over the years but it’s not been effective. When I really need it most I tend to cancel appointments or am not able to speak with anyone, and by the time I’m more capable of seeing someone about it, they see me in a coherent state where I’m logical and unable to describe the worst of what’s happened because the recollection of it is surreal and unfocused. 

My partner really carries me through the worst of it - but he’s also really against voluntary hospitalisation even when I’ve been the one to feel like I need it. I really can’t turn to the rest of my family either. A lot of the time I feel like I have nowhere to turn and end up consumed.

I’ll have a look at that thread - thanks

[rav3n]

appreciate your honesty @SleeplessRaven perhaps we can come up with a lil safety plan for when that unsafe feeling gets stronger? would leaning on your partner and talking to him be an option?

i'll also leave these crisis lines for you just in case:

• Connect with a lifeline crisis supporter (24 Hrs) 13 11 14
• Suicide callback service (24 Hrs) 1300 659 467
• If unsafe: 000 Emergency, police & ambulance (24 Hrs) 

that makes sense, and it would be frustrating too that professionals aren't able to truly understand/see what it's like for you in those moments of distress. i'm glad your partner has been someone you can chat to about this. is there any particular reason why he's against voluntary hospitalisation? 

[SleeplessRaven]

@rav3n I have tried talking to him about it, but it’s become a bit much for him to handle. Last years hospitalisation was hard on him too; he felt like his whole world got torn apart and he also had no one to talk to or get support from so he was just as alone as me. It’s why he’s so against it - when my last psychologist called him up a month or so ago to suggest that it would be necessary again it shook him up really badly. 

[Ru-bee]

Hi @SleeplessRaven 

I hear your partner's concerns, that sounds like it was a really hard time for both of you. I wonder if he could use some additional support as well? Often those who take on a caring role can really benefit from their own supports, whether that be friends or family to lean on, or speaking to a therapist or calling a support line. Is that something that you feel like you could talk to with your boyfriend? 

[SleeplessRaven]

Hi @Ru-bee 

I don’t know. I thought he had support but everytime we’ve talked about it recently he’s gotten upset and it sounds like he’s been abandoned a bit, and I’m not particularly much help for him right now either. 

I just can’t shake the feeling that I just wasn’t meant to survive and he could have just moved on by now and been in a better position. 

[REDLINEZ750]

im not readinjg support that is best for you im reading support that is best for your selfish partner.

[SleeplessRaven]

I know it probably sounds bad but he really is supportive. It’s just not an easy time for either of us and I don’t really know what triggers it either and it’s getting worse, so I worry about what might happen next time

[Ru-bee]

I hear you @SleeplessRaven it sounds like this isn't easy on either of you, and that's very common and understandable, especially if your boyfriends supports aren't seeming that stable at the moment. This does sound like a case of you both being in need of more support right now.

Perhaps a more direct conversation with your boyfriend about your potential need for a hospital stay, and what might make this easier for him - Does he need to see a counsellor and book in some appointments while you go in? Does he need to have support lines handy? Does he need some time to build up some good tools to help manage his distress?

Again, I absolutely have empathy for both of you and can understand that you being hospitalised would be distressing for your partner. However, if that is what you need to be safe, then we need to find ways for your partner to manage while you are there so that he can be more supportive of this, especially if not going would put you at danger. 

It's clear the love and care that you have for him, but if you are not safe you need to be able to seek the support you need when you are needing it and put yourself first at that time.