Advice please

[D_W_0880]

Hello everyone, I'm new here and I'm really hoping to connect with people who may be experiencing or can understand what I'm going through.

My husband has struggled with depression and anxiety for a few years. We've had all the ups and downs, self harm, suicidal thoughts. The problem I currently face is that he will not get a medication review and instead is spiralling. I'm in utter turmoil trying to manage our home life while he refuses to go to his GP and talk about the possibility of different meds. He has been on these for nearly 2 years and needs a psychiatrist to review them but won't get the referral. Says he will not go and to leave him alone.

It's a nightmare. This isn't him. A few weeks ago we were overseas having an amazing time. The decline wasn't triggered by anything obvious.

I'm really keen for any thoughts or advice. I cannot sustain this way of life anymore but I don't want to give up on our beautiful family because he won't make an appointment. It seems such a waste. I love him but I just am at a total loss.

Thank you in advance.

[rav3n]

welcome to the forums @D_W_0880!

the sudden decline must've been a lot for both you and your husband to process! i'm so sorry to hear how hard its been. is there a reason why he won't go to the GP? does he have anyone else (another health professional or even a friend) that he can openly talk to about what he's feeling?

i also wanted to check-in to see if you have supports for yourself? sometimes we get pre-occupied caring for others that we forget to pour some of that care back into ourselves. if you'd like me to send through any helplines/support services for you or your husband, let me know and i can find some numbers. 😊

[D_W_0880]

Hi thanks so much for your reply..he just refuses. Doesn't want to talk to anyone, cannot seem to think rationally that there is a better path he can be on. And he won't talk to anyone..I've called crisis lines, friends and family he is just completely shut down. The past few days he's basically been in bed when he's not at work. Not engaging with anyone. It's devastating to watch but also completely infuriating. I know this is the illness taking over but how on earth do I get him to see sense? He literally says "I don't want you to care about me". I've seen this coming for months and have been trying to encourage him to seek help before it got away from him. We've been here before which is also quite exhausting. I literally have no idea what to do next

[TeaPositive]

Hello and welcome @D_W_0880 

I am a partner to someone who has struggled with complex mental health issues for many years, and who is currently struggling more than usual. 

I want to start by saying how important it can be for you to have a space to talk through your concerns and struggles. I will stay away from giving my advice for now, instead I want to offer thoughts and hear what might be helpful for you. 

It would be so hard to see and hear your husband refusing and your encouragement for him to get help. In the past has he withdrawn like this before and not wanting to talk to anyone? It can often be so hard for anyone going through mental health struggles, especially over years, to be able or willing to see that there is a different path they can be on. I wonder if right now he is unable to see things rationally as his mental health is impact this?

I can relate to a lot of what you've shared about as my partner is going through something similar - been in bed, not really engaging, engaging in unhelpful ways of coping etc. It is devastating to watch, and I too found myself frustrated. I realized I felt helpless and hopeless, that I couldn't make him see sense, that I was scared and also tired.

So what do you feel you might need to help you through this? Despite what your husband is saying you do care about him, so how can we help you help him? Sometimes all we can do is continue the encouragements, and also you've mentioned that you have been in this situation before - what was helpful last time you both went through this? 

[D_W_0880]

@TeaPositive  thanks so much for your response. I'm sorry to hear you have similar struggles I know how hard it is.

Unfortunately in the past what broke the cycle was him being admitted to a mental health clinic for 3 weeks where he finally got the help and meds he needed. But that was after months of spiralling and self harm. It seems that he can be really good and himself and a wonderful partner and dad, but when he starts slipping he never acts on it and it spirals despite my best efforts.

At the moment I'm backing right off, trying to get through Christmas..I've learnt that nothing he says when he's in this state is actually what he wants (leave me alone, I'm not going on X holiday, I don't care about anything). I have tried so many techniques, supports but once the depression takes hold he becomes impossible to deal with. I love him and want to do anything I can to support him but at the moment no amount of logic will break through he's so very far inside his own head. 

I am just scared that he will never get the help. i don't want him to end up back in the clinic but that's what I fear.

[TeaPositive]

@D_W_0880 I am replying now for whenever you log back in. 

Backing off and trying to get through Christmas is a good plan for now. Sometimes that is all we can do, just get through, try and not taking anything our loved one says too personally when they are not quite themselves. I'd encourage you to keep doing what is helpful, techniques and support to potentially break through what he's going through.

Before things spiral, what are your thoughts about the option of your husband being re-admitted to a mental health clinic? I struggled making this decision for my partner, and I was also scared having to make this decision for him.Perhaps speaking with someone like the mental health acute care team and/or your husbands doctor or psychologist could help too in how to facilitate this. 

Getting help and your husband going into a clinic might be something helpful for both of you. When my partner had to be recently re-admitted due to being in crisis it offered him a safe-space and containment, while for me it gave me a break before I lost hope. This is me speaking about my own experience, so I would be open to hear how it sounds to you and/or what some of your hesitations or concerns might be. 

Hope you are getting through the next few days and know you can come to the forums when you need some support.

[D_W_0880]

@TeaPositive thank you.

I would love nothing more than to get him to the help he needs, whether that's a clinic or his GP or anything in between. I'm just in what feels like the most impossible situation where it's obvious to absolutely everyone that he's not ok, but he will not take that next step. He will not even entertain the idea idea of trying different medication at least not now. We're still deep in this depressive episode and he's not engaging much stonewalling me. Nothing I say now will land how I want it to. I feel utterly stuck.

He will be absolutely furious if I try to engage with his GP or psychologist. And if I do it on the side without him knowing, I'm honestly not prepared for the fallout if he finds out. Don't get me wrong I'm not in danger in any way, I'm perfectly safe, it's just that he threatens to walk out and never come back if I involve anyone else.

I must also stress that this is not him. It's the illness talking he is not normally anything like this but it changes him. 

I don't suppose anyone has any magic words I can say to him to get him just to make the appointment? Noting that if I try to express that there is an impact on all of us he will say "you just a look after you and the kids don't worry about me".

[TeaPositive]

Hey @D_W_0880 how have things been over the last week or so?

I totally hear your care and concern in your husband getting the help he needs. There are bits and pieces that you wrote that really resonated with me, like "Nothing I say now will land how I want it to. I feel utterly stuck". I wonder if it is that sense of stuck-ness that is also hard for you at the moment, and not just witnessing your husband's struggles?

It is great to know that you have a sense of what would feel okay for you and him, after all you know your husband better than any one of us would. 

In terms of "magic words", I did chat with my partner recently about what anyone could say or do that might get him to shift a little. My partner's response was along the lines that for him having someone seeing, acknowledging/validating and providing empathy without solutions, request or demands is what would have helped a little. He expressed it as someone being able to verbalise things like "I can see how much you are struggling at the moment" or "Things might be feeling really tough for you right now, I am still here when you need me". It is that gentleness that may feel easy to you, or maybe it is tough right now as this has has an impact on all of you. 

I am also wondering where your minds goes when your husband does say "just a look after you and the kids don't worry about me"? What would it be like if you were to focus more on you and the kids? Just wondering and musings 💛