Hello @Anastasia
Here I have written one of “Henry's Little Books”. It is a form of self expression to which I am unaccustomed. If you or anyone else would like to comment, that would be fine, but not an expectation. I hope that some of the ideas that I have expressed here may also be useful for others in some way.
The reason for my coming onto the forum in 2015 and rejoining this year, was indeed because I knew, or at least believed, that there have been and are issues for me to address. Evidence of that has been through family interactions, work associations, friendships, “love relationships”, marriage issues and other social interactions. There simply seems to have existed a significant inability, on my part, to develop effective connections. There was also considerable conflict, particularly within family interactions. Those conflicts have not been openly physical interactions, in terms of physical assault, except in one instance, when I was assaulted by a friend of a relative, but otherwise, it has been very close. Now, I live on my own, occupy myself at the computer, where I hope that I am able to engage with you and others in mutually and reciprocally beneficial ways. I would say that I, despite some social activities that I have mentioned, live a relatively reclusive lifestyle. While I might say it with a smile, even my dog is lonely, which is not a good thing, though she continues to be playful and affectionate. Interestingly, even she is more interested in the game than affection. Dog like its human companion.
I've just filled in some details on the paragraph above and find myself distressed at not knowing or having clear answers. I do not know whether the problems are from outside, a reaction to the way that I project myself in the company of others. Or the more obvious possibility that for medical or psychological reasons, I create the problems that appear to, or do exist around me.
Another issue is that I do not seem to have been able to find the means of expressing myself in a generally acceptable way, according to my own standard, in the wider community. I can see signs in earlier life of psychosis and paranoia and relatively recent financial transactions that have questionable foundation. It is possible that for the first time in my life I am stating some of the characteristics and attributes that may help to identify and lead to the possibility of addressing the issues that I am confronting. In my present life, I also see signs of withdrawal and isolation.
In my life, since school days, there has always seemed to have been a sense of distance and unease between me and others, particularly those in my own age bracket. There have been some good times, but the thought that comes to mind is that those times are as prominent as Uluru in the desert.
Even as a child, I believe that I preferred or felt more comfortable in my own space. Of the two friends that I had and spent time with during early teenage years, one has isolated himself and the other died in a car accident, at around age 20, that I suspect, may not have been an accident.
I do understand what you mean about labels. They serve a purpose for those who need to use them, but if the definitions are slavishly followed, without regard for and reference to the circumstances and specific presentations of the person concerned, they can even be very misleading. The counsellor with whom I speak, is cautious to let me know that when she uses a reference, she suggests that, (in my own words), it should be regarded only as a reference rather than a definition. Our discussions consider symptoms that cross, what may be considered, artificially imposed and defined boundaries. In this way, we seem to use the terminology as something to be considered as a parameter, rather than a point.
I find that discussion of the “issues”, to which I referred in my first paragraph, are distressing to refer to and to consider. It is possible that I have either avoided addressing the issues or simply been clever, adept and adroit at or about endeavouring to appear, in a manner that I have believed to be, “normal”. I recognise that such behaviour can lead to significant internal psychological tensions and conflicts that can create other difficulties. As I said to another member, we can also, in this way, do ourselves a considerable dis-service, because the real person rarely comes to the surface, where the issues may become apparent, or at least the reasons for their existence may more easily be identified, established and appropriately considered and addressed.
I am also aware, that during my childhood, if there was any evidence of “abnormality” or psychological dysfunction, one would cover and minimise the expression of that quality. It was considered inappropriate to display any abnormal behaviour in public. It was definitely in ones own interests and those of the family to avoid such expression or presentation, in order not to be ostracised, isolated or even institutionalised {which continued to occur until the 90's}. Consequently, there were, at the time, what would be considered justifiable reasons for subterfuge and “clever”, “adroit” or “adept” covering of any qualities or characteristics that may have made one appear different. That was simply the way life was, or at the very least, how it was perceived to be. And, if one was not successful in accomplishing that goal, the consequences would be what one had wanted to avoid. That is not to say that there was no evidence of compassion where real problems existed. In fact, there was support and compassion. It was simply best not to be seen as needing that compassion, pity or the more stringent restrictions that could be applied when mental illness was evident.
An expression that was used in my childhood was “It is a dirty bird that fouls its own nest”. The reference was to suggest that it was not appropriate to speak about one's own deficiencies, or any others that may have otherwise been evident among members of the family. This may possibly be a reason why I have found it so difficult to overcome that imposed and subsequently, personally adopted reservation about speaking of my own perceived faults and deficiencies.
As I have offered to others, the suggestion that my comments may be useful for other practitioners, medical or psychological, may well apply in my own situation. Actually, I have given the counsellor copies of material that I have written, in addition to my own written interpretation of material from a reference book that was loaned to me for personal development and “self assessment”. These exercises have been in addition to my own work and research.
So I am hoping that, even at this stage of my life, that self awareness may be satisfying, possibly have other beneficial effects in my life and enable me to engage more productively with others.
I think @Anastasia , that possibly, for a variety of different reasons, we may both consider ourselves,
“not the easiest (people) to get to know.”
With Hope and Best Wishes
@HenryX
