Working through dilemmas involving values

[Former-Member]

Hi @CheerBear 

This is an excellent and thought-provoking thread you've started! As you are reflecting, life isn't black-and-white. Thus, it can be 100% normal to tussle within oneself around competing values, needs, ideas, ect. The truth is that sometimes there isn't an ideal solution/the right answer because, no matter how much you introspect, you can continue to find reasons for either choice. Additionally, this is further complicated by the concept of time and how people naturally and sometimes quite adaptively change across time; whereby, one choice may be a better fit verses another at a certain time-point.

It is good to keep discussions like this going - even if there isn't a clear answer. Continued conversations around internal conflict helps us to remain mindful and conscious human beings!

Amour_Et_Psyché

[Teej]

Hi to anyone following along 👋🏻. I dumped that worksheet and ran the other day as I was busy but have been meaning to get back here. My experiences with value conflicts have been many. It’s something I struggle with hugely, possibly because I don’t feel like the same person everyday so I can have a different solution every day 😳:face_with_rolling_eyes:.

ive worked through values a few times in therapy. When I was first with my therapist she was very much into ACT. We talked about values then and I read and read and learned a bit from Russ Harris. 

The next time I looked at values and possibly understood them more was when I did the 'Flourish' course through NEAMI. We had to narrow our core values which was a really interesting activity. I also learned that our core values can change over time. Thinking about it now has helped me realise that perhaps the ones I had back then are still my core values now. 

In DBT we discussed them a bit too. 

So how to solve that internal conflict dilemma? I actually still have no idea. It creates a big mind muddle for me. But what I know is that it may not be a fixed thing. I don’t think it has to be black and white. Here are some of my thoughts based on my experiences.

I think that there are ways to look at it. We can do the logical thing and work through the DBT sheet I put up or a weighted pros and cons list. We can try to listen to our gut. We can talk it through with others. I think the hardest part is to settle with which value is more important at the time. 

One of the the things I’ve been struggling with lots at the moment is the value of autonomy which is clashing with my real life need for help from others at the moment. It’s causing lots of heart ache and brain ache. I think values and goals can get confusing too. My understanding is that goals are made that support your values. 

Im putting these lists here of values as it helped me this morning. In my psych session yesterday we kind of discussed my current contradictory behaviours. This morning I realised there is partly value conflicts as well. 

It’s always complex to work through these.

PS my after thought....I think it’s interesting to look at values conflicts from an internal and external perspective. For me the internal ones are the hardest. I can work out external ones through a more logical process. I like the clarifying goals for external conflicts. 

[CheerBear]

Thanks heaps to those who have taken the time to reply and share experiences

@BryanaCamp  Thanks for sharing your experiences. I can see how it might be difficult to understand something that is vastly different from your own experience, as might be happening here. I find it fascinating to consider the different ways people experience the world.

@TheVorticon  that trolley dilemma does my head in (is clicking fingers and magically teleporting outta there an option 😉)?! But it is a great example of moral dilemmas. Even small and not-significant-in-the-bigger-picture, bad vs also bad and right/wrong battles can (and do for me) feel tormenting.

@Teej  thanks heaps for sharing all of this. How did you find it to narrow your values down? I remember working with something like this with my mental health worker and it was so difficult to narrow them down and work out what ones were core values. So many of them feel incredibly important 😕

I can see how not feeling like the same person day to day might make it tricky to live in accordance with your value! OCPD has been thumping around my mind a lot. This - “Individuals with this disorder are extremely conscientious, scrupulous, and inflexible about matters of morality, ethics and values and usually hold very strict standards of performance.” If this is the case, it kind of makes sense that when values clash and there really isn’t a right or wrong (despite a massive need for there to be) it would feel ultra difficult maybe. I agree that those internal conflicts are often the hardest to work through and require a different kind of thinking than logic. Thanks again for sharing all you have.

Wondering whether anyone else might have difficulty narrowing down and identifying a short list of ‘core values’, or whether they would jump straight out at you? (If anyone would like to share)

[Teej]

I agree @CheerBear that there are so many and narrowing it down is really hard. I think though the core values are the ones you are working on and have the greatest focus. 

I decided to be brave and put mine here, they are not in any order. When I did the course it was to pick between 3 and 5. I’ve cheated a little 😜

• autonomy (it’s not on these lists but it was on the one we did in the exercise) . This one is a challenge for me as I’ve never been autonomous. I’ve been a people pleaser and chameleon. I have always been dependent on others as well, so for me autonomy is being able to stand on my own two feet. 
• Integrity/Authenticity This is one that has become more important as I’ve gotten older. It also ties in to my search for identity 
• Family/Friends have always been important but after I became unwell I lost sight of these. I’ve been working on these relationships again slowly. 
• Curiosity/Growth This is part of my DNA I think. Wanting to be constantly learning. 
• Compassion/kindness round out my first list. Again more of an inbuilt thing. 

So my list covers things with many many goals and some that come more naturally.

Under this layer would be things like equality, environment, sustainability, resourcefulness, giving back, gratitude, community  and many many others. 

[Shaz51]

Wow, @Teej  thanks  for sharing all of this.

what a wonderful thread @CheerBear 

[Maggie]

I found this interesting. @CheerBear @Teej @Shaz51 @TheVorticon @Former-Member 

[Teej]

Yeah it is interesting @Maggie 👍🏻. There’s so much around values. 

[Shaz51]

it is interesting @Maggie 

[Maggie]

I didn’t realise there was this much around values. I’m really enjoying the searches and learning @Teej @Shaz51 @CheerBear 💕💕

[Shaz51]

i agree @Maggie I didn’t realise there was this much around values either xoxo