Just checking in.

[Teej]

Hoping you got treatment for your little one yesterday @Former-Member. 

[CheerBear]

Hey @Teej (who probably might not see this if notifications are gone).

I had a great day yesterday thanks. I wrote about it on long rave but the short version is that grandparent and I chatted about heaps of family history stuff and then some family treasures they're planning on passing down. With parent unwell and grandparent old, I think they want the stories of the treasures remembered so they can continue to be passed on, and I think (know) that is something they're looking to me to do. Tricky as far as time and getting to them to do it, but it feels important. Feeling pondery this morning, but not in a bad way.

So good to hear you had a nice day yesterday ❤ Yay for the a/c and heater! So exciting 😁 Big breaths re the lawyer. Interested in hearing how it's all playing out with bro and the legal stuff if you can/are up to sharing some time.

I've been watching and listening to Brene Brown (always makes me think of you) this morning and finding some inspiration to do the whole yucky vulnerability thing 😉 I've also found some cool podcasts to listen to too, hoping things will click a bit more.

Hope it goes well today ❤

[Teej]

I’m so glad you had a great day the day before @CheerBear . I read the stuff on the rave thread and it’s sounds so amazing to be handed down the family history. I think you’ll have a big interested in it too. My big is just getting more and more interested in that stuff too. 

I wanted to (ask if you like to share) what podcasts you are listening to? The Brene thing made me smile. I have had her in my brain a bit lately too. 

My day yesterday was a bit crazy yesterday but good too. The wall bit got built for an air conditioner. 

This morning I have really heavy sad feelings about something that was shared yesterday. I’m not sure how to be the best support. Someone close to me has got themselves in a massively hard place with something kind of around what you went through a while ago but different. There is so much heaviness around it. I want to support this person but am so scared fix it brain will kick in. I am also a bit internally conflicted about it. Would love any advice from anyone on this one. 

Today im having a quiet day too, hopefully to recover and get back on the horse again for the rest of this week. 

[CheerBear]

Hey @Teej. I've been listening to a podcast/channel (no idea what to call it) called "Call your Girlfriend" and one called "you, me, empathy". Heaps of different stuff in them. Mental health and abortion being two topics I hunted down (twisted much 😉 lol) and then came in a roundabout way to both of them.

I'm sorry you have heavy, sad, feelings. I don't know if I can give you any advice for dealing with your someone, but what I can say is that I am genuinely, eternally grateful for the support you (with others) gave me through the giant heart hurting place I was in last year (not that it is the same thing as your friend but it doesn't make much difference to my point). I looked for you here the night I found out and am so incredibly glad I did. Your ability to listen and to sit with my big feelings, with such empathy that I could feel it through the screen, made the time I was going through less horrible by a lot. I have a feeling that your person would have told you for those reasons, knowing you could sit with it with them. Trust yourself to be able to do it because you do it so well ❤

The other day at my new gig thing we spoke about owning fix-it brains as I will need to let go of that a lot to do this role. Someone put an awesome spin on it saying that fix-it so often comes from a place of compassion and not wanting others to suffer like we have experienced. I liked that. If fix-it brain kicks in, try and be gentle with you knowing it comes from a good place too.

Funnily enough we also spoke a lot about feeling conflicted when supporting someone else. The lesson for me was to be aware of how my own values and beliefs might impact the way I see the world and then to ask questions trying to understand how the other person sees it. I think that while we might see things very differently from someone else, in uncovering their stuggles we can find compassion for the struggles we all face as humans, and it is from that place that we can support others (if we'd like).

Gone all gooey much now 😆😝😉?

That might be a bit airy fairy but maybe there is something in it for you. You're a great friend (that's probably the main and short version of it all) ❤

Glad yesterday was good, even if it was a bit crackers.

[Teej]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response @CheerBear. 

I so much want to spill it all here but here but I can’t because it’s not mine to spill and I couldn’t do this in such an open way because of the nature of the public forum. I think I’m finding it hard because I do see all sides of this. I have total compassion and empathy the whole 360 degrees of it. I think you are right though. Fix it brain wants to make it all alright for all the right reasons but I know having good intentions isn’t enough. Fix it brain wants to send someone some info on a mental health thing that may be in play in that relationship but I don’t know whether to. And I’m not a professional and couldn’t and wouldn’t ever diagnose someone but thought it might be something to consider in this situation for the person who is on the receiving end of some very tricky behaviours. 

Gooey is good 😜😄. 

****anyone reading this thread please respond if you want. 

While touching on the vulnerable stuff I have a curly one which I’m fine if you or no one else answers. I’m wondering why you post and how you chose what to post on the forum. This is not aimed at you in any way and the more the merrier to answer this. I’d love a range of thoughts. 

Part of this is my internal battle with what and how to post. On one hand I think I’ve learned so much from reading people’s posts on the forum. In the beginning 'me too' was a really powerful thing but doesn’t seem so important to me lately. I know I’ve posted in crisis (way too much) and I know the purpose of that. My dilemma is that I often want to write something and then get caught. I have valued the forum so so much for learning about people’s day to day lives in such an honest and vulnerable way. When I come to write about mine I go to all the 'why would people want to read this', and then the 'who do you think you are writing about yourself'. I guess in a way I would like to write stuff if I knew it would help someone but then I also consider whether it’s an attention seeking thing from my side. So I go in circles and but am wanting to stop the circle and do the actions that will be best for me. 

Any thought welcome. 

[CheerBear]

That you don't want to spill because it isn't yours to spill, is another sign of how much of a great friend you are @Teej. The situation sounds very tricky for you.

I wonder if there is a thread in that question above or whether it is worth tagging a few who might like to answer but might not see this? I think it's a really interesting question and probably one a number of us have pondered at times.

I post mostly to connect I think. That sounds like a simple response, but when I have stopped and thought about it before (in a similar 'why would anyone want to read this' way) that's what I have come up with. I choose to share the good, bad and in between (day to day stuff) when I do because I feel part of a community here.

I heard something the other day about 'fitting in' vs 'belonging'. It was about how we are pretty much wired to seek a sense of belonging and how that comes about by being accepted as the people we are. I think I feel that here in a way whereas I feel like a fitter-in-erer in other places (or a total outcast when I don't want to change so I can fit in). It isn't about attention seeking, and when I'm posting generally it isn't about intentionally writing to support someone else, but it is about sharing to connect.

(Running the risk of becoming a 'goo' queen today 👸😆).

What's helpful for you? Is it to share your day-to-day, or to offer your insight and experiences to support someone else, or to post when you want to reach out... or any/all/other things? Whatever that is, even if it changes often, is probably right to do.

[Teej]

Thank oh so much for that response @CheerBear . I think it touched on lots of things to think about. I think I’m working through so much at the moment that is all interconnected. 

Dog has cracked it now and I have to do something with him for a while (yes he is a bit like having a toddler). Thanks again for your support and thoughts today. May be back on later. 💜😘

[CheerBear]

Oh dog haha. We had puppy here for most of last week. It was like having a toddler with giant teeth 😳 A bit fun though (little especially loved it).

It was nice to catch up @Teej 😊 Hope your tricky settles soon

[Zoe7]

@Teej I think we can distinguish between what is help seeking behaviour and what is attention seeking but both are very much asking for support and therefore need to be taken the same. There is often a fine line between the two but I think it is important to see that neither is 'right' and both mean that someone is hurting and need support.

As for what we post - there are things that I do not post - I think I make a very conscious choice sometimes NOT to post certain things that are going on and that is for many reasons - the big one being not wanting to burden anyone with it. I do have my support team that I can talk to about those things and that makes a difference. Very early on (and when I was at my worst) I posted more about the struggles I was having but there was still a lot that I didn't say - some would have been triggering to others and so I made a conscious choice to withhold that information. Now I hope that those following my journey can also find hope - if I can do it from where I came from then anyone can kind of thing. 

I think we all do an incredible job of just being here, connecting with others and being able to support each other. Primarily it should be a non-judgemental place for us all to share our thoughts and feeling. Inevitable not everyone is going to always agree with us but that should not stop us being ourselves and sharing what we need to - there will always be someone here to listen and have a similar point of view as you. Also, I think, most of us can see both sides of any discussion and can listen and respond objectively - and that helps to promote a community that is tolerant, open to discussions/suggestions and supportive of each other. Life is tricky - and navigating strong emotions and thoughts is also - therefore this forum is a place that we can let some of that 'tricky' out and know we have the support of people that not only care but in most instances ...get it.

[Teej]

😘 @CheerBear for the earlier conversation. Fix it brain backed right out. I know i gave away more than I should have but I found the direction I need to go in and it feels ok. When I get in the moment I absorb it all and want to take the hurt away. I managed to communicate some support in a completely different way but one which I feel good about.

Another lessen learned. I didn’t want to talk any specifics or spill but was so desperate for help for me to be able to help them. I was looking for magic wand answers to that one I think. About an hour after the posts I worked out what was important. Impulsive teej thoughts were so far from what needed to happen and I put so much on myself to be the support that helped, something I very much need to let go of and I’m getting there very slowly with that. I feel like I wrote here earlier wasn’t that helpful or have integrity as far as my belief that I won’t spill but then still shared something I’m now not feeling great about sharing. It is so tricky sometimes to find the line between it all. It helps to have very wise people give me things to think about and find my truth with. 💜

the other stuff about posting has been on my mind for ages too. I was so grateful for your response.