Just checking in.

[Teej]

Thanks @Zoe7 . Feeling tongued tied but you just managed to reiterate what everyone irl is 😘. That is said with endearment. I can hear it but it’s hard to change the feeling that goes with it. A work in progress I guess.  

[Zoe7]

It is often much easier for others to see what we need to do before we can do it ourselves @Teej and that is especially hard when we empathise with the other party involved. Despite it being a tricky situation for everyone involved there are some things in our lives that we have to be slightly selfsih about - that does not make us bad people but quite the opposite - it is about looking after ourselves so we can be there for others. You certainly have a lot of empathy but you also need to care for yourself  That part I know is a work in progress but you are getting there bit by bit and that is wonderful to see 

[CheerBear]

Hey @Teej. Hope it's OK to jump in here. I have been wondering how you've been feeling with the legal stuff.

I can relate to what you're struggling with and don't think you're the only one who feels/works like that (I know you're not the only one who does). I have to be careful here but wanted to share something to hopefully help you feel less alone with that one. When I left (years before the big bang) there were assets involved including a big one you're working on now. I settled for the smallest settlement possible (legal rubbish was involved but numbers were tweaked to make sure it was very small) in exchange for pretty much everything else including most of what was in the big asset. It was maybe a bit different in that I was influenced by fear and a need to get out, but there was also a big part of me that settled in the way I did because I didn't want to hurt someone even though I was badly hurt. I believe that part would have been there even without that fear present. I knew I was entitled to much more and took a major hit by doing what I did, but the alternative wasn't worth it for me.

I had people at the time encouraging me to fight for what I was entitled to and what was right, some who were vocal about what I needed to do (what they thought I needed to do at least) and as well intentioned as it was, it didn't help me and I only felt worse for it. For me my decision was about what I could live with not only in terms of finances but also in terms of emotions (of all the kinds involved in it).

We started from scratch after that. Sometimes my head goes back to some kind of grrr me/grrr him land thinking about it all but I know I did what I needed to do even though others thought I should have done it differently. I walked away and felt OK about it and eventually rebuilt (until the big bang happened, life crashed down and we lost again which is when I went a bit/a very lot crackers).

You're the one that lives in your life and whatever it is that you need to do factoring in the different types of needs you might have, is the right thing for you to do. Other people might have a words to say, but you have to live it.

Hope that hasn't added jumble to your jumble. I get that it is a really tricky situation and there can be lots of feelings involved in it. Big ❤ for it.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Something else to throw into the mix @Teej ..... think of what needs to be divided as a big pie ..... and that pie is big enough for everyone who needs to have some ..... and you having your “some” will make your sons feel much more secure about your welfare, much warmer with the thought that things you were entitled to have at last come your way, and rightfully so.  You can be a little generous in order to be true to how you feel, but not so generous that your ex is actually walking all over you with big puppy-dog eyes ..... because that’s not right either.

Is it possible for him to “pay you out” on the house so he can stay living there ?  If not,  presumably there is enoughproperty value for him to still have a roof over his head somewhere as a result of selling it ..... and maybe that is something he has to decide ?  Which means that you are not making him move out .... he is making the choice about which hard decision to take ..... ?

Big feels here for you ..... 💜❣️

@outlander  🦝 (< let’s call it a lemur ....)

[Teej]

Thanks for sharing @CheerBear . I have learned lots about my past in the last few weeks. I couldn’t remember so many facts about financials. My brother has uncovered lots including that when I sold my house (there was very little mortgage by then) we used that to pay for ⅔ of the new house outright. I left all financial things to him (an ex bank manager). It turns out there were lots of things done that were not financially sound. 

Edit. It was my house in my name only.

I did the same as you. I started again from nothing, I left all the furniture there too. The kids slept on borrowed foam mattresses to start with. One was an adult by then. We were given everything from friends and family. At times the kids have gone back up and got pieces of furniture not being used. I am not scared of him as such, he is not someone that is scary or frightening. I’m worried about him maybe committing suicide over it. I’m worried that he will not cope with it all. I think that I believe deep down he still loves me and wouldn’t ever want to hurt me even though he did so in such a huge messed up way. I never know what to believe with him. I thought I knew him so well but I didn’t at all. I still second guess everything E.g. did he love me ever? Did I ever know him? Is he capable of empathy and love? On the surface he is a very compassionate person but I discovered he can not empathise with anyone. He could not put himself in others shoes. I’m the opposite. My default was/is to put myself in others shoes way before I consider trying on my own shoes. I think the bit I find hard is that I’ve never been angry or hurt or felt used by anyone. It was natural for me but I don’t feel anyone took advantage of that. Maybe I’m just naive all round. 

Financially this could make a difference to me with the emphasis on could once I pay my brother back. Lawyer is $500 per hour 😱though. 

My psych session today was strange. She dragged tears out and I guess helped me to see some of the things he took from me. Even though I felt that emotion it doesn’t feel any different in that I’m still scared of hurting him or what he could do. 

Sorry for the rave. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

The rave is good @Teej 💜

[CheerBear]

You don't have to be sorry for a rave @Teej. I'm feeling the feels with you. We have shared some similar sounding experiences (no beds for us either) and the mash that it all can cause is big.

I think it's super normal to have something like this trigger all kinds of questions and thoughts. It sounds like it was a perfect storm kind of relationship in a way. They can take some serious clean up 😏

Yep lawyers. Ouch. The little I left with very much went into their pocket. It hurts! I guess the thought of paying your mum back is also something playing in to your tricky situation too. Values conflict maybe? (They're not fun either).

More hugs. It sounds like you're doing well working it through and trying to make sense of it all, even if it doesn't feel like that at the moment ❤

[Faith-and-Hope]

Well said @CheerBear 

[Teej]

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope , @CheerBear 

I think I am struggling with so much fallout. The things he did have had such profound consequences on everyone who loved him and himself.  They reached every corner of our lives. My youngest is still feeling the effects as well. He is still caught in a perfect storm still too, part of him wants to love and be loved by the only person he could ever call dad (and he was a great dad to him) but his best mate is my gf son who was at the centre of it all. It’s effectively created a situation that he had to choose between his best mate or his father figure who carries so much shame. My son has chosen his best mate who has been part of his whole life. 

@CheerBear  I know it’s nothing to what you went through. For me it was more at an emotional level. I had known him since I was twelve when he first asked me out. We dated at 18 as well for a short time and I house shared with him. I knew him for over thirty years but didn’t know what he had done under my nose that whole time with my friends. It’s now 40 years since we first met. Most of my history was re written in one way or another. I think my psych saw that today, how pervasive this has been. 

[CheerBear]

There's no nothing about someone having that kind of impact on your life @Teej. It's different stuff but the far reaching, significant effect is similar. You're living with the consequences of the choices and actions of another person, and that sucks so much. The pain of watching your kid/s hurt by someone they love is huge too. It's a pain that I find tricky to make sense of or even find words for.

That's a really long time to have known and cared for someone and a lot of time for someone to have made an impact in so many ways 🙁 I'm not surprised you're struggling with the fall out or that this is bringing stuff up for you.