Lived Experience Forum

[destructive]

@Paperdaisy so much noise. Sometimes I can cope with it and other times my skin crawls. I did have a mother's group with my first but they're not really close enough for that. 

@MySunrise Im not sure how long but yes. I think I was diagnosed after/around having my first and I think it was the worst timing because it's too much to contemplate and be ok to parent. And I also notice now (sometimes anyway) when I'm not all here and know what that is and it feels awful to not be present for them the way I want. I worry I might miss something important 😞

[destructive]

Any others with DID.. question..

How do you know if things are memories or just my imagination. I see pictures, like little movies in my mind. My psychologist thinks that is memories from parts. I haven't been able to tell her what all of them are as some are distressing and seem very far out there. It feels like it must just be my imagination because sick and twisted. Even that means there must be something wrong with me right, to imagine these things. But how do you know the difference. 

[MySunrise]

Hi @destructive 

I’m with you and wondering about memories. My struggle is mostly the large gaps I have, I used to think everyone had gaps in their memory and I still can’t understand why I have so many and for long periods of time. My memories are mostly snapshot pictures and I’m often confused as to why I have those particular snap shots. 

Trauma memories are particularly confusing and I tend to have body memories along with pictures. I’ve tried to disclaim them as some sort of twisted imagination as well, that is until parts within me began using art and writing in our journal. I’ve seen and read things that sound impossible and had me questioning all the more. 

I’ve gone down many rabbit holes in attempts to find evidence or something to work out if the trauma is true and in doing that a few but not many pieces of the puzzle have begun to fit. I’m at the stage now where I know I have DID for a reason, that I can’t change the past, and my job is to learn about the System and learn to work together as a team. That is a daily struggle, especially while navigating living in the world around us.

Occasionally, and especially at times like this week, the past rises up and I’m triggered without understanding why. I lose time more often and I feel confused and foggy. I have to reach out for support more then feel guilty that I need support. It’s a struggle. I just keep remembering this week will pass and things will settle down again, I try to do things I enjoy to get through and try to be patient with myself.

I hope this helps you know you are not alone in your thinkings.

[destructive]

Thanks @MySunrise this particular image I just feel anxious about seeing. Either it's something or my imagination is sick and twisted. It's not me I see but one of my voices. And although I mostly feel anxious about it the voice seems more scared that I will tell psychologist, maybe shameful... I dunno. I hate this. I feel so stuck because I know if I tell someone about it it will make my head worse. That voice is already the harshest one. 

I still feel weird about the DID diagnosis and have been thinking maybe not going back to that psychologist because I can't really afford it anyway.

All this is too much.

[tyme]

HI @destructive ,

I'm sorry to hear things are tough tonight. Are you able to do something pleasant for yourself that might help you through tonight?

Sitting with you, tyme

[destructive]

Thanks @tyme
Sleep would be nice but unlikely to happen in any great way with two little ones

[Little_Leopard]

Hey @destructive @I’m Littleleopard.

yes the sensory thing is a DID and CPTSD thing for sure. I am the same when it comes to kids. I had a lot of abuse at a young age and was also abused by another child as well so kids around those ages can trigger me super easily.

It’s all super normal.

I know it sucks but remember that your body is trying to keep you safe. Some of your dissociated parts still dont know it’s safe. Be kind to yourself. You are doing great

how are you going today

[Little_Leopard]

@MySunrise  and @Albert2 

Different parts. communicate trough pictures. Mainly by sharing visual memory from how they saw and experienced an event. 
Communication also happens through hearing voices, smell, visual annd even touch etc. it’s all normal. And I’m the same as you @MySunrise, I also experience my alters in dreams. Some of the clearest experiences I have had with my younger alters have been in dreams or if I wake up suddenly because I have been startled or if I am having a panic attack they have been there very clearly as if we are coexisting in the same space.

I remember one time I was having a dream but I was one of my alters in the dream. Like we were co conscious in the dream with them in their body. That was trippy.  

[Rosco1]

Good afternoon

I would love to hear others experiences of day to day living with DID.  My partner has always been, for the last 10 years, since my suppression lifted and I became extremely unwell, the person who has taken me to all appointments/engagements and accompanied me 24/7.  He, for very obvious is completely burnout and we have been lucky enough to be given NDIS participation.  

I am so shocked at how protective I found him to be (is!!) and am only now aware of this, as my Support Worker has been taken me out.  My anxiety is through the roof and I struggle to get out the door to medical appointments with her.  I switch the second I get into the car.  I have no recollections when I switch.  Sometimes it is obvious that parts are out and other times I am micro switching and it is not obvious to those around me.  Like most DID people we are incredibly good at masking.  

However due to my Dissociative Amnesia, life has become even more complicated.  My psychotherapist is spending all my therapy time at the moment, putting me "back together" when I reach her as opposed to dealing with my original trauma.  

I would love to hear from others who may have experienced these and have some guidelines as to others with similar experiences.

Also if anyone else here is an Irish  immigrant, I would love to say hello.  Many thanks

[Rosco1]

Please don't doubt yourself. Even if these memories are imagination, they are coming from a place of distress and trauma. If you have DID, your younger parts possibly are telling their story. I too questioned my memories thinking they were imagination even though my psychotherapist, psychologist, psychiatrist said they most definitely were not. I am so glad I listened to them as with a subsequent Court Case (not mine) my versions (imaginations) were 100% validated by other people involved at the times, experience. If it's distressing you, it's valid I believe.