Need help, struggling to resolve issues and support my partner with BPD

[AnonymousAngel]

TW: mention of thoughts of suicide, panic attacks and feelings of abandonment

Hi, new member here. I have been with my boyfriend for just under a year and we're both in our mid 20s. He's always been very open with me about his diagnosis and experiences with BPD, and I've taken a lot of time to learn about it, adjust my actions and discuss it with my psychologist (who is DBT trained). He's aware of how difficult it can be for me as a partner of someone with BPD and he doesn't like using it as an excuse for his behaviour. However, I still find that he struggles to recognise his part in the issues between us and the responsibility he has in developing skills and awareness to improve things for not only himself, but for our relationship. We love each other very much and are really dedicated to each other, but when there is misunderstanding or hurt, things blow up and nothing I do can resolve, reassure or defuse it. 

He's been very open with me about how much he's struggling, which I'm very grateful for, but I feel so much guilt, powerlessness and sadness hearing that nothing I have done has really helped him feel any better. He tells me he has constant panic attacks, trouble sleeping well, nightmares, thoughts of suicide to escape, constant feelings of aloneness/disconnection, pain, abandonment and helplessness etc. I try to support him as much as I can, by staying with him for as long as I can, being present and accessible over the phone, trying to listen and reassure his thoughts, bringing gifts/spending time together. Nonetheless, he says he still feels unsupported and alone. 

Often when I have limits to what I can do or the kind of support I can provide and I try to suggest a compromise or an alternative (eg. I can't stay with him overnight, not having the skills to help him feel better), I'm blamed for not being willing to compromise, for pushing the blame onto him, or being bad at reassuring him. When I try to highlight that he's also had limits to supporting me and I've compromised by taking care of myself, he doesn't really acknowledge it. When I try to explain how his actions made me feel or how I've struggled in the relationship, he feels that it's all his fault, that he's the problem and he shouldn't be here if all he does is hurt me. Of course, that isn't all that he does.

I'm aware that the nature of BPD may cause people to struggle with accepting responsibility and criticism without feeling attacked or worthless, and that they will always feel intensely distressed and hurt by things no matter what do to prevent it. I am unsure if he is aware of this and if he would be willing to do the work to manage this. I haven't talked to him about how BPD is affecting us for fear that he would feel that I'm blaming his condition, making him the problem and acting like I know more about it than he does.

He has tried a lot of therapy and medication in the past but hasn't felt that it was useful. He has strong opinions against CBT and DBT and he believes that most professionals are just in it for the money. So he's currently unmedicated for BPD and not open to therapy. He seems to feel that being told to go to therapy means he's a problem that needs to be fixed, and it's difficult for me to explain that his healing IS his responsibility and more inner work is essential for the health of our relationship AND his own struggles. I've tried gently suggesting individual therapy, couples counselling and going to see a GP for better support since things have been hard, but he's still skeptical and I don't want to force him. Money is also a factor and private psychologists are really expensive. We would only have access to one for limited term through our university/work.

We both really want this to work and I can see things working when he's able to recognise that he can have control over how his emotions and thoughts are affecting him and how it affects us. 

I would appreciate any support or advice!

[tyme]

Hey @AnonymousAngel ,

Welcome to the forums and good on you for reaching out.

First and foremost, good on you for doing whatever you can to support your partner. I recognise it is not easy at all. 

I will do my best to share my experiences below, but please remember that these are only my experiences and we are all different.

I was diagnosed with BPD in my late teens, early adulthood. I had extreme emotional dysregulation and really struggled in life. When I loved, I loved to the max. But when I hated, I hated to the core. This was my life and I totalyl accept that life was hellish for a lot of people around me.

As a borderline, what I foudn most helpful for me:

1) people to do what they say and say what they do. That is, if you tell me you are going to call me at 5pm, then do it. If you call at 5:01pm, it can send my brain to every doomish thought possible.

2) people to set themselves clear boundaries about what they can and can't to - and stick to it. I am so mindful of carer burnout. For me, clear boundaries were set including, "If you self harm and need treatment, I will call the hospital"; "If you are aggressive, I will walk away and will contact you in one hour". By setting these boundaries, I knew what to expect - even if I tried to push the boundaries.

3) for people to strike when the iron is cold - that is, do NOT try to reason with me when I'm heightened and triggered. This will only lead to hurt on both sides.

4) people to give me choice e.g. "You can choose to go to the hospital or you can choose to give me your self harm items" 

I know this is a lot, but I really encourage you to look after yourself because it is so so so important to prevent compassion fatigue. I can see you care about your partner a lot.

Which state do you reside in? I may be able to share some services with you that are free of charge. (No need to share exact location due to anonymity guidelines)

[EternalFlower]

hi @AnonymousAngel i have a personality disorder/cptsd and i can relate to some parts of what your partner says - 

i don't like cbt either, and although i've had therapy, i didn't always feel it helped.

One thing that struck me as I read your post is that there are other ways to get help besides therapy

If he doesn't believe in therapy, there are other places - like peer support groups, helplines, community hubs, there's also social workers, psychiatrists, psych nurses, OTs, besides from psychologists.

I recently attended a psychoeducation group and we learnt that there are many treatments for BPD outside of DBT. And DBT also has different parts to it. I agree with you though, that getting help is his responsibility. 

I do find it hard as well when people tell me to go to therapy. If I call lifeline, and they start telling me to look on the APS website for a psychologist, I hang up.

I feel like telling someone to go to therapy is like telling someone to eat well - it's not really effective, and it's hard to hear, and doesn't necessarily motivate change.

Therapy is about relationships, so finding a trusted person is really hard for me as someone with a personality disorder. Finding someone who hears me and is curious about me. 

I think that is when I started to feel better, when I felt I had someone who was invested. I didn't find it at first from therapy. 

I found it from a Save Haven, a supportive drop in centre for people going through a hard time. Recovery is comprised of many parts. 

I also have private health insurance, which is expensive, but enables me to attend outpatient groups and have admissions to hospital, which may not always be encouraged for people with BPD but can help. In my experience one service links to another, and then another. The smallest steps have large ramifications x

[AnonymousAngel]

Hi @tyme , thank you so much for sharing your experiences and what's helped you. I feel that they are actually very relevant to us as well. My boyfriend says what I say doesn't match what I do, because I tell him I will support him and be there for him but have to go back to my home to sleep early for work.  Sometimes I choose to stay much later than I should when he is really struggling, to show that I do compromise when he needs it. But he still feels the same way 

If you don't mind, I'd like to ask how and when you've come to realise how your particular reactions and behaviour affected the people around you. What helped you hold yourself accountable for your actions and try to improve things?

We are residing in Victoria. Thank you again for your help!

[AnonymousAngel]

Hi @EternalFlower , thank you so much for sharing your perspective. A lot of what I've read and heard was that therapy was essential for managing BPD, so I haven't really considered the value of other sources before! 

He's described how disconnected and distrustful of everyone he feels, and he seems to have accepted that there's nothing that can help how things are anymore. So I feel that encouraging him to open up and trust that there is potential for change would be quite difficult.

What kind of words or actions would you suggest I could take to help him feel more open to or consider reaching out? As I said, I've suggested seeing a GP or psychologist framing it as my concern about how much he is struggling to cope. 

[AnonymousAngel]

Hi @EternalFlower , thank you so much for sharing your perspective. A lot of what I've read and heard described therapy and DBT as essential for people to manage BPD in a healthy way, so I haven't considered the value of other sources of support before! 

He's described feeling very disconnected and distrustful of everyone a lot, and he seems to have accepted that he will always be like this and it will always be painful. So I feel that it would be very difficult for him to see the potential for things to change and open up. What kind of words or actions would you suggested I could take to encourage him to trust again and reach out? 

[EternalFlower]

@AnonymousAngel hey there i don't mean to minimise its just some of us have had anyone who meets us tell us we need therapy (in my case coz i had attempts at my life) so it can be triggering

I don't know that therapy is the only way to get help

in hospitals they have - art therapy, animal therapy, walking groups, music, gardening - i tihnk therapy is a big scope of things. Also some people find psychologists not as helpful as social workers etc.

A GP with mental  health understanding is a great start but i guess if he doesn't want to go then he won't - but i also hear his point, going to the GP is the first step of many steps and doesn't necessarily guarantee linked in with a program or therapist - 

i wander if you could talk about what happens at the GP, or if you were there with him, and u can leave if it goes bad etc - an exit plan? I remember a freind told me to call LIfeline - and if  I didn't like it - to hang up . I think empathising with the fear, and going step by step with what could happen, might help but I am not sure entirely if it is different as he is your partner - as I'm speaking as a woman, and of help I received from my other friends.

I think maybe he hears this notion that a psychologist has all the answers and needs reassurance that some don't, some are bad, but there may be a young/hip psychologist or psychiatrist who he can relate to as a peer - not a psych - and like more as "a person" - so i guess more focusing on the person, the name, their vibe, their attitude, then the general concept that a psychologist (or program like Spectrum for example) has all the answers.

[tyme]

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@AnonymousAngel wrote:

If you don't mind, I'd like to ask how and when you've come to realise how your particular reactions and behaviour affected the people around you. What helped you hold yourself accountable for your actions and try to improve things?

We are residing in Victoria. Thank you again for your help!

---

Hey @AnonymousAngel ,

Hope you are well.

Now in response to your question: due to my poor mental health, I disconnected from as many people as I could. The more I was around people, the more I felt my BPD was triggered. Therefore, I picked up everything and moved interstate - to Victoria.

At first, I thought everything would be solved. My 'triggers' were gone. And yes, things were great for the first 6 months or so, but it was downhill from then.

This was when it I came to the realisation that the issue was ME and not everyone else. 

From here, I flipped and floundered a bit... until I came to the bottom of life....

I had to be ready to make changes. I wasn't ready earlier in my life.

Some resources for either you or your partner in Vic and online are:

- Australian BPD Foundation: They have a newsletter you can sign up to which shares different programs and services

- Spectrum Carers Support: Support Groups

- Spectrum BPD Awareness Week Programs

- Project Air e-learning modules

In Melbourne, besides mentalisation-based therapy, when I needed more intensive supports out of hospital, I had some planned PARCs admissions. These are prevention and recovery centres. However, with these, clients need to be ready to make changes as part of their recovery. It's not like a hospital. PARCs are voluntary and have a low tolerance for risk.

Hope these resources help a bit.