Feeling disconnected from partner

[Skyaa]

This feels impossible to explain without being able to describe particular details (as that would go against the rules).

I no longer have any counselling sessions left and I'm unable to talk to family or friends about my concerns. I feel scared I'm going to lose my partner, as I've already lost 2 important people in my life to unexpected accidents, not long ago. Without my partner, I don't think I could go on.

My partner is working 7 days a week, 21 days in a row, taking 1 day off, then another 21 days in a row and he is not sleeping properly (has insomnia)... He says he has no choise because we have bills and loans to pay. He never blames me or expects too much from me, even though I feel so bad because I know he could be so much better off if he had a partner with a full-time job. I'm currently unable to work full-time due to FND and depression.

I am very worried about him driving with so little sleep... But he assures me he is fine and he will stop if he doesn't feel safe to drive. I also can't think of another way for us to make enough money to stop us from falling into more debt in the meantime, so I've reluctantly accepted his choice to continue this amount of work for now.

There is another issue, which I think could be partly contributing to my partners insomnia, but I don't think I'm able to share details as it would probably go against the rules.

At least I feel a bit better right now, because my partner surprised me by coming home for lunch.

[Asgard]

Hi @Skyaa 

Hope this finds you well.  It sounds like you have a real champion in that fella of yours, so I do hope that you can talk together about what is going on.  It does seem like a very high workload for him but the more you get to share your emotions and feelings the better.  Any reason why you can't speak with family or friends, they might surprise you, I know in my case when I finally shared what was happening they really rallied around.  Give them a chance you might be pleasantly surprised.......Asgard

[tyme]

Hey @Skyaa ,

Thank you for sharing a little about what's been happening for you. I can hear how confusing and challenging it can be when you really want to help about but you can't seem to get a job yet. I can see how you are concerned about your partner - working so much and hardly sleeping.

Do you think your partner needs support to help with the insomnia? I have experienced insomnia, and I attend sleep psychoeducation classes, tried meds, sleep hygiene and all, but when things got too hard, I just couldn't wind down.

Would he be open to getting support if he hasn't already?

Also, how do you like to spend your days when he's away?

[ArraDreaming]

@Skyaahey! Thanks for being brave and posting. What things interest you and what do you like to do?
Must be a scary thought with him driving on little sleep , has he been to a gp lately?
I want you to know most relationships going through a phase here and there and it’s ok to feel disconnected if you can recognise it and find what works especially with the circumstances of working a lot
You know for example, right now my wife and I we almost are like ships in the night sometimes between my full time job, her returning to work shortly and our 3 young kids
I get home from work and I don’t have a lot of time with her (which is often with the kids at our feet) before she sometimes is needed for hours to settle our youngest baby while I get the house in order or look after our oldest 2
We recognise it’s the way it is right now and when we do have time that works for both of us we spend it together and cherish it but right now this is what it is a fair bit of the time during the week
I know it will pass and like I said we take absolute advantage of the time that we do get together
It’s important you are both on the same page… things crack when it’s not being communicated and you aren’t both on the same page. I could spend every night resentful and annoyed that I haven’t spent any time with her because our kids didn’t go to bed or I could understand this is just what we are living in right now, some nights are better then others 

Active steps to change, see if he can see a GP about the sleep

[Skyaa]

Hi Asgard

I apologise is you received the following message multiple times. I tried the "quick reply" and wasn't sure if it worked. 😳

I gathered up the courage to talk about my concerns with my partner (not just the concerns I mentioned in my post)... He was a bit freaked out, but he calmed down quickly and then we discussed ways we could do things differently to strengthen our relationship, which felt good 🥹 

I sometimes think it would be good to talk to family or friends as well, but my friends have very busy or challenging lives and some strong opinions which clash with some of mine and my partner's lifestyle choices... most of them are very focused on their intentional community and political stuff, which I'm no longer closely involved in, as I moved out of the community. I still totally respect what they're doing and love them, but they were clearly disappointed when I left to move in with my partner... I can see they are slowly getting over the disappointment, it just takes time. Then there're my family... Well I think unprocessed trauma and physical distance is the main issue there. My mum is overseas half the time and in another state the rest of the time, plus I think she has joined a cult... again... That's a long story, I won't go into now. My biological dad is very neurodivergent which can be good at times, but not when I need emotional support. My step dad can be good to talk to when I'm emotional, but I lost trust in him after hearing him gossip so much about my sister's past relationships. And my sister has been very unwell and spent some time in hospital recently after being hit by a car... she is living in another state and sadly I can't afford to visit her 😔 Oh and lastly my brother ignores me 99% of the time, so I gave up trying.