Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[SnowPea]

Firstly - this is so minor compared to what most people on this site are going through. I hope that everyone here finds the support they need, and I wish you the best.

But it did seem a good place to vent, in a place where I have no expectations and am hopefully not burdening people. 

When looking after me means turning a blind eye... but then other people you love get hurt.

My parents relationship with my siblings and I is complicated. In particular, with one of my sisters. 

I have no doubt that my mum (in her 70s) has OCD (she believes it but sees no point in seeking diagnosis or help. We are meant to accommodate it, though) and is most likely neurodivergent in other ways as well (I wouldn't dare suggest it to her, even though I received an innattentive adhd diagnosis last year. Mum brushes it off with "you're an absent minded professor, you're good at so many things, why would it matter if you're forgetful, besides, you have kids, you have a lot on your plate!". Anyhoo.) Perhaps, if today's understanding and care of mental health was around 35 years ago, our family story might have been very different.

Everyone is OK.

But my mum's behaviour can be hurtful, and she can't see it - she always has an excuse. This makes her people pleasing traits quite ironic (lots of people pleasing us when she visits, but only on things we actually don't mind).

And because it has been "it is what it is" for so long, mostly we siblings just ignore it (and vent to each other). Mum lives in a different state to most of us. Phone conversations are an hour at least of mum overtalking - I only call her if I'm in the car on the way to an appointment because I have an out. I mostly don't call her. After a minor car accident once, when I rang her, she jumped straight into the things that were really worrying her and after a while of her talking, I didn't end up bothering to tell her about the accident. Would have just been one more thing to worry about. Family Christmas planning often starts with "so, who isn't mum talking to this year?". And we carry on and get through it all and life goes on.

But sometimes, I feel bad. Mum's relationship with my sister is ... a bit like a broken vase tied together with string. When they do their trips to visit us, they stay with 3 of us siblings for several days, but only text her in the day that they might fit a flying visit in as they travel between one place and another. Not that staying much longer is what either of them want - but it's the lack of consideration that hurts and like it doesnt matter to mum if they see her or not. It's been this way for years.

And today my sister rang me in tears - her walls came down. They had texted her "will you be home this afternoon" after being in state for nearly 2 weeks and she just wanted to say no. So, I told her it was perfectly fine to say no and not to feel bad (she did say no).

I told my husband - he said my mum is just rude, her mental health conditions are no excuse and really somebody needs to point it out to her next time they plan a trip. I apologised to my sister for not doing more and said that I do just focus on me when these visits are coming up. She said it's OK and that looking after myself is just as important. She said " I figure it's too late for me and my kids, let yours enjoy their grandparents while they can". And that's just so sad.

So... that is me for today.

I spend time learning what I can about mental health - adhd, ocd, etc. I think it's too late for my mum. She has her unhealthy coping mechanisms (benign, but not good for relationships). Dad enables them.

I guess we just keep doing what we do. Keeping the generic communication going with mum via sporadic messages (updates on the kids, yes we're all fine, I hope you and dad are well etc). I mean, it's not bad - even pretty good by a lot of standards. 

I'd like to think it could change, especially for my sister.

I don't think it is worth trying though.

[tyme]

Hey @SnowPea ,

Thanks for sharing. I've pondered over your post a while now, and I think you'll find that your situation is not uncommon.

At 70 yrs, it's probably not worth the stress and energy to change someone as the effectiveness of change depends a lot on the individual.

Rather, your sister may want to work with a professional on skills that help her manage in the relationship (if she wants to). And you're right, people have the right to say no in order to protect their own mental health and wellbeing. These are important boundaries.

For me, when I visit my parents interstate, i literally grit my teeth and so a lot of self-talk. I tell myself that they are not always going to be around, and that i should do my 'duty' as their child and sit through them talking AT me for hours... i seriously just nod my head, but I'm totally not there.

Another alternative is to meet outside the home e.g. at a cafe. This then limits the time, and in public, there will be less of a scene and commotion if something were to happen.

These are just a few things I find handy...

But in terms of trying to get a diagnosis or trying to change an older person, is it worth it? That's the million $$$ question.

You sound like you have such a large heart and you care a lot.

Please know you are not alone. We are here for you.

[SnowPea]

Thanks tyme. Yes, I think you're right and that it's not uncommon. Your reply is very helpful.

[tyme]

@SnowPea ,

The main thing, each person needs to look after themselves. Some people may think this is selfish, but for one to be useful to anyone else (including family), they need to be well first.

Please look after yourself. I hope your sister can too.

Then slowly, putting some strategies in place can be helpful to make the meetups less stressful. It sounds like each visit or chat with mum can be very stressful for you all.

Also, it's good to remember the things your mum is good at. What are things she has done that can make you proud. It's easy to say, "nothing", yet each and everyone of us has strengths. We just sometimes need a bit of encouragement to name them. 

A heart of gratitude can grind away some of the hardest feelings. 

Please take care and look after yourself 🙂

[tyme]

I was just thinking @SnowPea about the title for this thread, Accepting the things we cannot change...

It connected me to something I read today: Control the controllables 🙂 

[tyme]

Hey @SnowPea ,

Hope you are okay.

[SnowPea]

Doing well, thanks Tyme. I overthink a lot of things. I always have. Thank you for supporting this group. I hope it is OK to do some overthinking on here from time to time. Things I thought I'd put to bed, or decided how to act/feel about get ruffled up again. I hope everyone out there is doing OK today.