Topic Wednesday // Managing Conflict // 26 April, 7 - 9pm AEST

[Hank]

Most conflict in our house at the moment centres around our daughter and her ED. The strategy I use most often when things really esculate  is to remove myself. This is very difficult for me to do as my daughter can literally keep going for hours, so upon my return she starts up again. She has also locked me in the house or physically prevented me from leaving. She also sees me as leaving as not supporting her.

[Former-Member]

@Mazarita you have given a perfect example of how childhood experiences can shape the way we respond to conflict as adults. We often learn a way of coping during childhood, for some people this is talking about conflict but many people find ways of relating to their family that allow survival and coping. Given all of our different experiences in childhood, it is understandable why we relate to others in certain ways, particularly when it comes to conflict.

Here are some common ways of dealing with conflict:

• Angry, hurtful or resentful reactions
• Being unable to recognize and respond to matter of importance to another person
• Withdrawal of love resulting in isolation and rejection
• Expecting bad outcomes
• Fear and avoidance of conflict

Can anyone relate to these as strategies, either past or present?

[soul]

I understand your point @Mazarita. Try telling someone who is getting upset and has huge abandonment issues that you going for a walk. 

[Mazarita]

@Kurra, I guess in some ways I don't really trust situations of conflict because of past experience. I don't trust that the person I am in conflict with will be reasonable and, from past experience also, I don't really trust myself not to 'lose it' if things get out of hand. I know it's not the best coping mechanism, but it usually seems a lot safer to basically avoid conflict. I can't tell you how extremely stressed it makes me. Hard to think, let alone remain calm, in that situation. I think I have a bit of a traumatic replay when conflict arises.

[soul]

I totally get you @Hank. My partner would insist that the conflict be "fixed"  Hours and hours of talking getting nowhere. Bringing it up again and again afer I thought it had eventually been resolved. Being locked in a room so I couldn't leave. 

[Hank]

Withdrawal is a major issue for me. I do it all the time and will simply retreat and shut off. I know it's horrible, because that is something my mother did to me, and it made me feel like I wasn't being heard, and I think that is what we all want. To be heard.

[Mazarita]

I really feel for you having experienced the terrible situation of being locked in, @soul, that's out and out abuse as l see it. 

[soul]

Sometimes I would agree and change my opinion to avoid conflict only to be told that I was saying that just to annoy him. Very controlling behaviour. It was as if he wanted a fight regardless.

[Former-Member]

@soul your right here, when a person is upset and has difficult with abandoment whether that be a real or imagined, is incredibly challenging. Again I completely appreciate that this is much easier said then done and when the emotions flare it is difficult to bring about that rationality, but perhaps talking about your boundaries around what you will do when conflict escalates may help a little so you "hitting the pause button" on the discussion and removing yourself becomes a pattern to assist in those situations. I understand that this would still be percieved as being abandoned and it is such a hard position to be in.

[soul]

Absolutely @Former-Member. It's a case of damned if you stay or damned if you need to take time out. I was even accused of pretending to have to go to the toilet. I would be followed into the bathroom so the conflict wouldn't be interrupted.