Lived Experience Forum

[in_march]

hi everyone, TW for family violence and mentions of SA.

I recently started seeing a domestic violence and sexual assault counsellor and was diagnosed by a psych with C-PTSD. I didn't initially start seeing my counsellor for this, but through talking to them, I've identified that one parent has been abusing me since I was a child: psychologically, emotionally, financially, and physically on one occasion. The other parent let it happen. I've been completely dissociated since a young age and I've developed quite a few mental health disorders, and have never been able to figure out why that was. It seems I've had PTSD for some time.

I've been in counselling and seeing psychologists on and off for over a decade. I have told many people at length about things this family member has done that are cruel and vindictive, but no mental health professional has ever identified this to me as abuse. No one even looked at a PTSD diagnosis until I experienced trauma that I guess looked more like typical trauma???

So I brushed it off as just me being dramatic and suffered in silence- I'm still doing so, because I'm afraid to even give details on this forum in case I'm "making it up" or a future employer judges me for going through this, or something (idk I know that's silly but I'm an anxious person hahaha).

Had someone recognised this as family violence, I think I would have been able to access resources that were much better for me way sooner. I just don't know how to deal with the anger of no one ever realising what was going on or stepping in to protect me as a kid.  I know no system can be perfect, and no one can change my past, but I'm hoping to hear some kind words.

Thanks for reading all this 😊

[LilMapleLeaf]

Hi @in_march 

I spent the entire time reading this nodding my head. You are so right and so valid in your anger. It's awful to think back and realise how many adults in our life let us down and didn't do their job. Didn't protect us as children when we couldn't stand up for ourself. It's easy to be angry at the ones who hurt us but sometimes the anger can be stronger for the adults who saw and did nothing and let it happen. 

It's frustrating when you can see so clearly now how what happened was abuse when so many professionals didn't say anything, maybe because they were uneducated, maybe because of their own experience, maybe because of generational difference but it shouldn't matter when they are meant to be protecting you. 

I know nothing I can say will change this anger but I hope it helps to hear that you aren't alone in feeling this and you have every right to be angry. I can promise if you think you are being dramatic, you aren't. People who are actually being dramatic usually don't care if they are or aren't.

I hope that what you take away from this is that it's okay to be angry, it's perfectly normal. It's almost a grieving process and it's amazing that you are able to get help now. Keep on going!

[Jasper_123]

Hi @in_march , I agree with what @LilMapleLeaf is saying. I spent years self aware of the abuse I was experiencing at home and trying to get help. But because mine wasn't physical and I was doing well in school, nobody followed up or helped me. 

Know that having answers and clarity now is a good thing and will help you treat the results of your abuse. Also know that you are at no fault for the things that happened to you when you were a child - adults are meant to protect and look out for you. 

[in_march]

hi @LilMapleLeaf -- I took a few days to think about your words and they were tremendously helpful. "People who are actually being dramatic usually don't care if they are or aren't" really stuck with me. 

The anger gets really overwhelming some days and I don't know if it'll ever stop. I guess all I can do is do that grieving process, as you said. Hopefully at the end of that, I'll be a better adult and better parent than the ones who let me down. Thank you for your kindness 💛

[in_march]

@Jasper_123 , this is very close to my story, although I wasn't always doing well in school. I think about all the times I cried out for help as a child and it's extremely sad. I wish we could change the perception that abuse victim-survivors look or behave one way- that things can look good on paper but the damage caused is just as severe as with anyone else experiencing abuse. I hope your healing journey is going well and thank you for your kind words 💛

[LilMapleLeaf]

Hi @in_march 

It warms my heart to hear my words have helped you! Thank you so much for sharing that, that has actually made my day. 

I wanted to share a couple of thoughts your response has sparked with me.

I agree that anger doesn't go away. It won't stop which can be really scary. I wanted to share an analogy that really helped me. 

https://whatsyourgrief.com/growing-around-grief/ 

It's was similar to this image above. Essentially how it was explained to me was that the grief, the anger doesn't get smaller, it still hurts and it's still incredibly real and valid. But as time goes on, your life becomes more meaningful and you grow your circle and fill it with a whole wonder of amazing things, that growth is what makes the grief feel smaller. It doesn't get smaller because you are right and valid to feel the way you do, but you can create an amazing and meaningful life that helps you deal with the grief and creates purpose beyond it. I hope that makes sense and I really hope that helps.

I also wanted to share a quote from a book I read that has really helped me. It from "Running on Empty: Overcoming Your Childhood Emotional Neglect" by Jonice Webb, PHD. I have found this book incredibly helpful for myself but I have also had that fear of passing on the behaviours I was shown and experienced from my parents and adults around me and I found that this quote really helped calmed that stress.

"The fact that you’re reading this book (and this particular chapter) means that you care and that you’re ready and strong enough to change. You already have a great advantage over your own parents." Page 180.

I've been able to apply this to lots of different aspects of my own life, knowing that if I'm worried about something and am already putting the work in, I'm doing okay.

I hope this helps and I hope you've had a good week.