Lived Experience Forum

[KirSa_EnigmA]

So, I'm looking up info about bipolar and mania and delusions. 

And I ask myself: How do I know if I'm having delusions? 

Because clearly, if I'm deluded, I'm not going to KNOW I'm deluded, because I'm deluded, right? 

"The key feature of a delusion is the degree to which the person is convinced that the belief is true. A person with a delusion will hold firmly to the belief regardless of evidence to the contrary."

So, for example... an emphatic belief in God might qualify here.  

Given there's no evidence of God's existence, (if the burden of proof resides, as it should, on he who makes the assertion), those who hold the belief in God -without evidence- are therefore deluded. 

But when I claim that I'm a god (or at least the closest actual existing thing to it), as is everyone else and they don't know it, I'M THE DELUDED ONE?! 

Now, I don't disagree with my bipolar 1 diagnosis at all.  I do, however, think everyone else is at least a fair bit crazier than they think they are too. 😕

It sh!ts me.

[MermaidHair]

Good evening @KirSa_EnigmA 

You're right about being delusional and not knowing, at the height of mine I thought I was definitely onto something grand and 100% correct about everything. It was only months after recovering I could look back and think 'wow, I can't believe I thought that way', it also left me scared for a very long time to have faith or practice any sort of spirituality. I'm not sure why but for some reasons delusions are often spiritual or religious in nature? I feel your frustration too, I get people can believe all types of stuff even not religion related, but it is completely accepted and considered normal.

I think eventually you can get to a place where you know what's what and feel comfortable in your reasoning and belief systems again (which are so personal and individual anyways), it can take time though.

I think either nobody is crazy or we are all crazy, but people with bipolar are definitely not crazy 😊

[KirSa_EnigmA]

Hi @MermaidHair thanks for your reply 🙂 

You have bipolar too? 

Maybe you could tell me what this sounds like to you.  I wrote some notes to share with my psych tomorrow and if you have a moment I'd like your thoughts. 

***

I find my mind racing with business/marketing ideas and thoughts of going head on into a big world changing campaign. 

***

(Note: I ramble a bit here but hopefully it gives you some insight into my experience)

I have not mentioned this before since, quite frankly, I know this sounds crazy.  But it's true... so here it is:

Ideas of becoming a God, or "God-like" are a common theme during these times and is often an underlying thought/belief.

Thoughts like:

'If I could just understand this ONE thing, it'll all make sense'

Or the belief that:

'I'm SO CLOSE to some kind of transcendence/evolution/discovery',

Or

'I'm born in the wrong time... too early. People aren't ready yet. They don't know who they are'

(What follows is fear/anxiety over my inevitable death before I can become immortal)

These words don't do enough to describe the urgency/intensity though.

What follows is often days/weeks of idea exploration, books, debates, meditation, etc. This is when I do things to the extreme. I'm revitalised, passionate, enthusiastic, confident, and energetic. I've been told I speak like a motivational speaker. I get ideas... too many to investigate. I try to integrate as wide an understanding of things as possible, in as high definition as possible... seeing connections, patterns, trends. I want to and try to predict the future.

I need to know more... but eventually I can't hold it all at once.

It escapes me... my brain gets hot. Headaches. My stomach upset.

I pace... arguing in my mind "to get relief or to persist?” sometimes for days - it doesn't seem like there are other options. 

("Relief" here sometimes includes thoughts of dramatic and conclusive endings)

A raging battle. It doesn't let up. 

Sometimes there's a reprieve, but it always comes back. I hate myself for giving up. But to persist seems like just delaying the inevitable.

Unconsciously I get dressed and plan to go out. I call a taxi. I'm at the bar. I'm ordering.  I drink... I've betrayed myself, but at least I can rest. After I drink for a while, the noise is gone and clarity returns.  I feel closer again and have more insights & revelations. Then they're gone. I chase them again with more drinks until I'm doing crazy things to bring some connection back, often 'chasing the dragon' until there are no more options left but passing out in the early hours of the morning.   (Drinking, smoking, drugs, gambling, s3x, anything, etc)

***

So, yeah. 😕 

I'm pretty new to sharing any of this.  Tomorrow's gonna be a doozy I'd say 😞

This has been my life, on and off every few months for about 25 years. 

My delusion?  I think everyone else is crazy and I'm normal... I just can't handle living in a crazy world. 

[MermaidHair]

Yes @KirSa_EnigmA 😊 and I'm also a type 1 so I completely understand and relate to what you're putting down right now. Flights of ideas and mind working faster than it should be able to, you're not alone although I've been fairly stable for some time now I have definitely been there. I think those notes you've prepared for your psych are perfect! I used to do the same thing, I wrote a lot down otherwise I'd forget to mention it or go off on some other tangent 😅..

Are you on the Bi-polar forum? I'm about to pop over there for a check in

[KirSa_EnigmA]

@MermaidHair omg thank you.  I'm so uncertain right now! 

It's a huge relief to hear you say that about the notes I've prepared, and the content is relatable.  

I was not aware there is a bipolar forum.  Is that here on sane?  Can you share a link please? 

I have to admit... I'm feeling pretty edgy right now 😕 

I know I need to sleep.  My heart is in my throat. I've been reading everything I can on bipolar for 2 days now! (and I've got a really great business idea too! LOL - not kidding, it's really good) 😄 

Anyway... it's very good to know the way I feel sometimes is understood by someone else.  That... is actually a relief.  I just hope the Dr understands too. 😕 

Pretty nervous.

[MermaidHair]

Yeah there is a bipolar thread here on sane, I will tag you in it 😊

I think you're doing great. Am I right that this is fairly new information to you or you're just recently diagnosed? Your doctor will most likely be very understanding, they've generally seen and heard it all so don't be afraid to be honest about it all.

I've got a bit of extra energy myself tonight. I find busy and stressful things or days can be really hard to unwind from. i'm going to take a warm shower and listen to podcast to unwind. Do you have anything like that you can do to help yourself get some rest or relaxation? 

[Salvia]

Delusions are a delicate topic. As for God - Many who don't have a personal relationship with God see Faith as foolishness (or delusion). And, I have to agree with you that everyone's a little bit 'mad' one way or another. 

You sound intelligent, have you heard of Eckhart Tolle?: 
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eckhart_Tolle

A few years back now I was reading one of he's books, "A New Earth" I think it was, he said addressed this issue... that nobody's completely sane... We all have our unique perspectives, neurotic defenses / coping mechanisms...

We're not robots. It's ok to be human, or individuals, a little bit quirky... Just have to rain it in sometimes, be kind to ourself, and others. It's ok to not be ok.

[fruitshop24hrs]

It's not what you say, but how and when you say it, usually

[Appleblossom]

@KirSa_EnigmA so much interesting thought provoking writing in your post.

Nowadays I agree with your statement about people being crazy.  There is a song called Mad World my daughter introduced me too. Now I believe the most mad are often those who have not fronted a therapist or the mental … so-called “health” system. 

I come from a family and married into a family with lots diagnoses…. When I was young I believed all the so called experts and went along with their ideas.  Nowadays I socialise with shrinks… hmmmm…. They are just problematic quirky people too.

I listened to lots of discussions like you raised. Mostly I was too busy flat out surviving to even think I was a person let alone have a voice or an identity . Weirdly I became too high functioning and “they” won’t lock me up. Nor do “they” have intelligent comments to make about my psycho social circumstances. I feel differently about the system now. Mostly I observed what they were doing to people I loved. Hmmm. Hmmm so I have to do my research and figure it all out myself.  I make various references to “the powers that be “ … and him up there… and keep careful about getting too excited or grandiose…hmmm … some of the time. lol I have me moments. But he’ll most NORMIES are full of it… educated or otherwise. They just call it self esteem. 

@MermaidHair hey Bella

Love your wise post @Salvia 

@fruitshop24hrs love to know about your profile name….

take care all

Apple

[MermaidHair]

Hey @Appleblossom 

Have you heard of the quote:

"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society"

It's one of my favourites, its always made me think that being different or not fitting in might be a good thing! What you and @KirSa_EnigmA  are saying reminded me of it 😊