Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

The other day, I put up a thread asking how people felt about the idea of deliberately giving up on something you really want in life. I asked for it to be deleted, because I felt like it was incoherent and sounded really angry/aggressive.

A moderator got back to me, saying that they will delete it because it's important for people to be comfortable with what they post, but that it didn't sound incoherent or angry at all. 

It sounds like things have been a struggle. I think it takes a lot of courage and strength to be so open and honest, and I would encourage you to feel welcome to continue to post how you are feeling.

That's very much appreciated x. It's interesting, though. It feels like there are some aspects of Depression that don't paint you in the most positive light, and that even the most supportive people in the community are uncomfortable with. Feelings of anger, jealousy and rejection of well-meant or completely true advice. I have been feeling crazy lately.. although I guess life can have that impact on you.

...

I feel like there is some sort of turning point around the corner, either positive or negative. "Something's got to give." 

I posted to another site earlier today. I was frustrated, because I see a lot of advice about dealing with break-ups, but they end up making me feel worse, because they make a lot of assumptions. My situation is fairly unique and extreme, so it just makes me feel like I will never get over it, and I will never find someone new. 

Three people that responded implied that I should give up on the idea of being loved.

Life is more than just relationships. I've met people who have been single all their lives and they're still happy with what they've made of their lives. So spend some time focusing on things outside this issue, find your worth, and you'll find that you'll be in a much better mental state as well.

That may be true, but it just feels like I am throwing in the towel, and saying "OK, I guess I'm alone in the world, time to find another dream." What kind of message do you think that sends me about the place I have in the world?

It is not a bad thing that you've never been on a date before. Live one day at a time. 

I have a hard time acknowledging that my life is so badly [...] up that I have to take life one day at a time. In context, it's a REALLY bad thing, because having my heart ripped out by a crush is the only love story I have ever had. I have had a sickening life, and it's the only thing I have ever known. 

Maybe giving up is the healthiest thing for me, but for the rest of my life, I will carry around the shame that I had to. People around me are getting married, and I need to give up. I get it, not every married couple is happy all the time and you shouldn't compare your life to others et cetera, but that's not the point.

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I don't even have any words...

[chibam]

Goddamn, this is so relatable.

I don't think I've ever truly given up on hoping for love, but I've been boxxed in to circumstances where there are no more (realistic) avenues where love might come from, so really I'm literally left hoping that a good woman just drops out of the sky on to me. There's nothing more I can do.

And yeah, I know the sting of being told to give up on the hope of love. Both my therapists hit me with that one during treatment; act like it was no big deal, and then have the gall to demand that I suffer a long, natural life under that condition.

TBH, it really infuriates me when people shoot down another person's prospects of love so heartlessly; then, as a means of justification, state that married life isn't for everyone and that a lot of people are happier being single. Can't they appreciate the flip-side of their own logic? That loneliness isn't for everyone and that a lot of people need to be united with their soulmate to be complete?

There's a major push from Hollywood these days to destroy the convention of Prince Charming and Cinderella getting their happily-ever-afters together. The modern crowd, apparently, thought it was immoral for Hollywood to impose their "everybody needs a spouse to be happy" ideology upon the viewing public.

So how come, then, it isn't immoral for the proudly-singles to inflict their own "you shouldn't really care about finding true love" ideology upon the rest of us? If conventional romantic doctrine doesn't work for them, then fine, they can go off and build their own world with it's own rules. But what gives them the right to drag the rest of us off into their horrendous nightmare?

I wish there was some sort of real-world firewall you could switch on to block people like that out of your life, so you could trust that the only people you were able to engage with would be sympathetic to your needs and helpful.

I can't speak for everyone, obviously. But to me, love is not trivial. It is not irrelevant. And it is not expendable. It is everything that is good. And as far as I'm concerned, the people who attempt to belittle it's signifigance only belittle themselves by doing so.

[Anastasia]

Hello to you both @Former-Member @chibam 

I am hearing you. I have been on the receiving end of that myself and it is frustrating. My thoughts are that others say flippant things like you can be happy on your own, you don't need someone blah blah blah is because they think that it will make you feel better where in actual fact it does the complete opposite by not validating that you want to have a relationship!

To steal your words @chibam love is DEFINITELY NOT trivial. It is not irrelevant. And it is not expendable. It is everything that is good. I agree with you saying that the people who attempt to belittle it's signifigance only belittle themselves by doing so. 

I don't have the answers but I do want to let you know I hear you and will send to the Universe good vibes for both of you. Hugs and hugs 🙂 

[Former-Member]

@Former-Member I'm sorry you've received advice that- no matter how positively intentioned- has invalidated your desire to be in a relationship. I agree with what @chibam and @Anastasia have said. The kind of advice you received (to focus on other fulfilling things), to me at least might help in the short-term by distracting or coping, but it really doesn't address the underlying want or need that still exists. It's valid that you want to be in a relationship! I'd say don't give up on that- everyone deserves to love and be loved 

[Anastasia]

Oh yes, the most important part that I omitted to say...

@Former-Member @Former-Member @chibam 

[Former-Member]

How one feels about deliberately giving up on something we really want in life (a dream) is a loss.

 Feeling 'crazy' .is a sign of extreme high stress (motional pain) and very unsettling - to feel we've lost that grip on our mind. Or that sense of impending doom' (anxiety) is scary. 

Awareness is sritical but if I'm in tune I find deep breathing relaxation helps me centre myself again... or  realign heart & soul  again.

break-up advice is always tricky

assumptions often happen because it's almost impossible to gather a full history here for the andmany variables, contributors are don'there looking for support themselves and though they try, they dont have unlimited time or emotional energy... very few anyway. Your  "extreme" situation sounds crushing, a huge loss that traumatised the soul, and in that sense its true we "never get over it" vecause it changes us. Ifvi knew this when younger I would have been far more selective and mindful in choosing a mate. And if I never find anyone again, I'm ok with my own company these days. We have to be or we attract partners for the wrong reasons. A relationship break-up is right up there on the stress scale, so please give yourself time. 

Never give up on the idea of being loved / loveable. So sorry it seems  you were told to:grr! To go "find another dream" Sheesh! Blind Freddy can see you're not ready for that. I'm like you and simply can't accept passing advise that doesn't acknowledge where I'm at in the now. They try discount our pain, the things we need to strengthen first. You're grieving.

Im  glad you don't see your life as "so badly[...] up"  - hang on to that!

Try not to see letting go as "giving up"  or "shameful" I'd love a life mate, a partner who actually loves me, but it's not happened, and I've not looked after myself. 

I  pray for your healing, and healthy distractions. I don't have the answers but sometimes connect here if it helps ???