Lived Experience Forum

[Vimes]

When the lockdown was declared back in March, I thought to myself 'I can get through this'. After all, social anxiety is one of my difficulties (not my only one, I've also been diagnosed with, but not limited to, clinical depression, general anxiety, PTSD, and OCD as well as Aspergers at one stage, but that's another story altogether) so I figured that seeing I generally spend most of my days alone with little or no human contact, I should get through this okay, seeing it wouldn't be much different to how I usually spend my days.

I'm a writer, poet and blogger, and I felt that seeing I've been working on a novel for the last couple of years this would be an ideal time to finish it whilst I was 'following orders' to stay at home. I also do a lot of photography; it would also be a good opportunity to sort through the thousands of shots I've taken and discard or edit a few. This was on top of the dozens of books I have lying about that I haven't read, podcasts that I hadn't listened to, and the hundreds of DVDs that I could (re)watch.

But I'm also a gamer (tabletop, board and PC). Unfortunately it's too easy (for me) to just switch on the PC and just while away my time in someone else's world rather than working on the one I'm creating. Some days I really have no self-control.

But I digress. Amongst my anxiety issues is Flight, Fight or Freeze responses. A psychologist that I saw for the better part of three years commented that mine were particulary heightened. Little things can set me off. Naturally, being cooped up for 95% of one's week has made me very anxious indeed. My major social actvities revolved around gaming with some like-minded individuals and attending sporting fixtures. By the end of March, I couldn't do either. My plans to take on my social problems this year by attending more social events, such as concerts, musicals and gaming related conventions also fell through when all of them were cancelled.

When I get a bee in my bonnet over something, it isn't gone within a couple of minutes, it takes days, weeks, sometimes even months to get out of my system. Some long passed incidents still cause me sleepless nights. There are times where I get so worked up, apart from not being able to think straight, I get so stressed I get pains in my chest and my left arm feels weak. I don't need to be told that this is bad.
The first incident during the lockdown period that riled me started with a mattress. Yes, the thing you sleep on. Someone had taken one from a nearby rubbish pile and dumped it on the side of the road, right in my line of sight from my bedroom window. It was all I could see. Then some people from the next door apartment block started creating a second rubbish pile next to the mattress. I think I sent the council several e-mails and attached pictures demanding that they do something about it. For nearly three weeks, I was so irritated by the sight that I was having trouble sleeping.

Then one morning, Easter Friday to be exact, it was all gone. An Easter miracle perhaps?

The current problem started last Friday (June 5) and has been bugging me ever since. For some reason, a complete stranger decided to park his car on the lawn at the block of units that I live in, in order to pick up his kid from school. So I confronted him. He told me that my immediate neighbour told him he could park his car there.

I politely told him (as polite as I could manage in my agitated state) that this was private property, and that she being a tenant, couldn't give him permission to park his car there. To save a bit of time for this already long tale, he ignored my remarks, and continued to park his car there. Naturally, I fired off some e-mails (with evidence) to the property manager, seeing the units are managed by a real estate agency, which were fired off in haste and in anger. I even started a thread about it on Facebook, venting my anger on it and in my blog. People were concerned enough to actually call me, which was nice. I talked about it a lot, even got some advice on other avenues to consider.

In the end, what did I achieve? Not much. The response from the real estate was unflattering, even somewhat condescending. I was brushed off and told to take care of it myself in no uncertain words, which is what I am most agitated about. I have embarrassed myself, saying things in these communications that I shouldn't have said, with people no doubt having a good laugh at my expense. All this now not only makes me angry, but depressed, confused and feeling rather useless. I am tired of feeling like this but there's not much I can do about it.

It took me over an hour to write this. I apologize for this being a long post. If you manage to get this far, thanks for reading it.

[Blep]

Hey @Vimes. I do hope today has started off on a brighter note.

After reading your story I just want to say that I believe with the current state of the world everyone is in a heightened mind. I do know with myself I have to stop and breathe when something gets to me because I feel I go from 1 to 10 in a second. That is not like me at all, i have alot of patience.

It sounds as if you are very heightened which you have stated. Maybe when something starts to get to you take a few really deep breaths through your nose and out your mouth. This should hopefully help calm you down in the moment. With having a clear mind you should be able to make a rational decision. Also something I use to do when it comes to emails is I would write it, put it in my drafts and read it again a few hours later or the next day. If I still felt the same way I would send it or delete it. At least then when you are in a heated moment you can do thing that are irrational.

Hopefully one of these things can help you. Take care.

Blep 😸:tongue: