I'm in a nest

[Faith-and-Hope]

And I love that pic @Maggie ❣️

[Teej]

Hi @Maggie. I love that pic too you posted this morning, vary cosy and comforting. 

I found this one for you yesterday. I know I’m a bit hooked on flowers. I tend to be reminded of you and @Faith-and-Hope with gorgeous pink roses. I was never a rose girl but am coming to them more and more lately, even considering planting one 😊. At the moment I have 8 roses from my mother’s garden in a vase and they remind me very much of my grandma who I was close to (was actually very close to both my grandmas), who grew amazing roses that were so perfumed. Her house always smelled of flower scents but the rose smell was the best. Sorry for the reminiscing and ramble 😳. I loved the pinks together in this arrangement  

@CheerBear Thanks for your call out. I had a rough night with lots of intense urges but managed them ok. Today has been a day of tears. I cried on the bus on the way into my therapist and cried all through my session and cried on the bus most of the way home. By the way I don’t cry....I may have to reassess that statement :face_with_rolling_eyes:🤦‍♀️. Yesterday my psychiatrist upped my antidepressant as she could see before we even started I wasn’t right. I think I have fallen into depression more in the last few weeks amongst other things. 

There is lots going through my brain at the moment but it doesn’t feel like a good time to talk about it but I’m so grateful for the offer. My reason for not sharing is that I’m swinging too much mood wise. 30 min ago on the bus I thought I wanted to write that I saw no future and that dragging everyone along with me was too hard......and as my darling old gp once said it was time to piss in the pot 😱. He once told me to piss in the pot or get off......meaning suicide or get off and start living. It’s a strange encounter that has stayed with me all these years. We had a really volatile relationship but I really appreciated him and he always had his heart in the right place. 

Long story longer AGAIN 😳 by the time I’d travelled another 10 bus stops I had some time out of my head whilst checking out the high school kids on the bus. They were all really just nice kids. I guess the moments of mindfulness and being in the present was enough for me to say I’ll get off the pot and keep trying. I am swinging so much I often don’t feel in control or like I can trust myself. There is sooo much in my head constantly, I guess like many of us. For me in this moment today it feels like the specifics of what’s happening doesn’t matter because my thinking will go at warp speed changing it all in minutes which will bring more shame. Soooooo I’m trying so hard to hold onto it made me feel good to post here, even if it’s a ramble mess and to post @Maggie that picture (for everyone to share). I think it helps to say I feel crazy just now and not feel so alone. I think it helps me when I read something that’s helped someone. I think it helps me when a forum friend has a win. I truly get something out of others sharing even the smallest of steps forward. I have empathy for when others are desperately trying to hang on and find the light too. I’ve spent sooo much time in that place. Maybe it helps when moments of mindfulness bring just a little bit of clarity too. 

I hope everyone’s day has been ok. I know mine will twist and turn some more. 

Think this should have been on the rave thread although I feel more like I’m curled up in a nest. I’ve smiled and cried whilst writing this post and am curled up in a tight ball so I’m thinking the nest it is. 

💜🤗

[Faith-and-Hope]

Nest it is @Teej .....👍

Look what mindfulness can do ...... maybe we need a Forum bus to collect everybody and drive around for a while on the really tough days ......

Not meant to be facetious ..... just extend that smile a little further if I can ......

Hugs @Teej ..... and love the flowers ❣️

You were on my mind today. Have been filling enrolment info ..... making this thing a reality .....

💜💐💕

[CheerBear]

I have only about 10 minutes between what I was doing and what I am about to do and I want to use them to reply @Teej because I saw this email come through and I felt all the feels reading your post. I could wait until the kids are in bed and write a thought out response, or type in rawness like it seems you did, which I loved reading.

I can very much relate to feeling all the feelings and how quickly things can and do change. How it can be to really struggle and then to catch something that shifts it. And how you could write a post then quickly after posting, write a completely different post, with both having been real and true. And how confusing and jumbly that can feel.

Reading your post reminds that it is very much worth holding on through the times the dark and twisty threaten to take over, because it can and does change. Sharing the way you have helps me and I'm sure it will help others, in lots of ways.

Not alone ❤

😘 for you for being you. (And for ball curling up - my go-to)

[Teej]

Thank you @Faith-and-Hope for the encouragement. I didn’t see it as facetious (one of my often used words although usually used by me in an apology) at all. 

@CheerBear Thank you for responding in your 10 mins off. It is often good to get that good raw response. Yours ended up in me crying again but I think it was that someone gets it. I’ve felt very alone with that lately. 

Going to try to work out what to cook for tea. Been trying to get my head round it for about an hour now. 

Hugs to all 💜🤗 ( @Sans911 I see you there and thank you too) 💜🤗

[Faith-and-Hope]

Just chopped up sweet potatoes, onion and mushroom .... cooked them in a slash of oil in the oven then tipped in whisked eggs, cheddar cheese piles (grated) and some piles of spinach leaves, sprinkled with Marjoram (favourite herb) ......

Its a go-to for me that I love @Teej ..... might drop it into the Munchies thread too.

[CheerBear]

Very much get it @Teej, as I'd imagine many of us on these wonky (seriously wonky at times) journeys do 💗

Good luck with dinner. Not the hugest fan of thinking about dinner, especially after emotional and testing days.

You mentioned enjoying hearing when a forum friend has a win so I'd like to share my little win. It's not quite enrolling into a course (big yay again @Faith-and-Hope) but today I feel like I won the interacting with people game. There were so many people in my day - from school mums encouraging me to go shopping/do coffee with them (and me actually considering it and maybe even feeling excited for a moment even though I don't do shopping well) to working with teachers through a big hiccup with a little, then organising kid swaps with parents to get loads of kids off to an excursion next week, and finishing it off with one of mine having their first play here with a friend after school (they were SO happy and it felt so good to see) and having to do the small talk thing with their dad when he came to pick them up. I have a headache and feel a bit "what the heck was all of that?!" but I also feel good, like it was another reminder of the old me - the one that used to like people a lot more. Little win today ☺

Hope you sleep well/sleep tonight and that tomorrow has some good in it.

[Teej]

That’s an awesome win @CheerBear. I think it’s a big win. A series of big wins really. It made me smile and thank you so much for sharing. It might seem like a baby step but it looks like a moon walk from here. I think I can relate to what you wrote about. I’m so proud that you had the feels a bit like old me feels. 

My eldest just got home and I got lost in a flood of tears, not usual in front of him. He went into fix me mode which didn’t end up being so helpful but he tried and I tried to connect with him instead of running to my room, so maybe that’s a small win too. 

I hope your headache has gone. 

@Faith-and-Hope Might have to remember that one for later. Tea ended up being BLTS ( spinach) wraps. not the healthiest but food none the less. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Yum @Teej ..... sounds healthy enough ..... ❣️

[Maggie]

@Teej I'm anxiety strung out atm, but those flowers...... Thankyou. Will respond once I scrape myself off the walls!!!!!!!!!