I am struggling at the moment

[Former-Member]

I don't know why I am really writing this. There seems to be part of me which says that I need to pull my head in and do this alone and another part who so desperately wants to reach out for help. I am really struggling. I'm not coping at all. For much of the day I've thought about all the reasons to die and there are hundreds. There is also one reason to live that keeps me here. I can't let down my oldest son and cut out his trip of a lifetime. He would have to come home and pick up all the pieces for everyone. I keep telling myself I have to hold on until he comes back and then I can let go but this keeps me waiting to die not choosing to live. I have a cold sore that now goes from the corner of my eye the length of my nose and it's slowly creeping across my face from stress. It started on Wednesday and each morning I wake to find more of my face engulfed by it. I am so tired. I am so sorry to write this and I know I'm so lucky to have friends on here that care. I don't want anyone to have to deal with this as it is so depressing so I started this thread as a way of saying that I'm not well when writing here and please don't feel obliged to read or respond.

[Former-Member]

Hi  @Teej

I am struggling too my friend, so you are not alone on that front. I think you need to go talk to a professional about how you are feeling. No you don't have to do this alone and I think you should be reaching out more for support. Do the things that make you feel better and be kind to yourself.

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Former-Member. I have a psych appointment on Tuesday and my appointment with my therapist on Monday. I'm trying to hold on and not self harm until then. Sorry that you are struggling too. I hope your medication helps to pick you up. I'm going to ask for a medication review on Tuesday because I can't keep doing this. It's killing me.

[Former-Member]

No worries Teej . What do you think you need ? Is it possible for you to go into hospital ? What can you do tonight to help you through until the morning?

Oh shit I forgot to take my liquid med, I think I will go do that and I'll come back. I won't be too long!

[Former-Member]

I'm sorry about before, I might have forgotten to take it if you had not mention it. I'm only on a real small dose atm I think I will increase over the next 10 days until I see the psych.

I wish I could do more to help you. If you need to talk I am here to listen. Don't let any diagnose you have define you- you are not your diagnose. I try to focus on the stuff I am good at. Have you had some dinner?

[Former-Member]

I'm glad that I reminded you to take your medication @Former-Member.

I'm distracting myself now doing jigsaw puzzles on my iPad. I will be ok for a while. It kind of feels better to get it out. I'm usually ok at saying that I'm struggling but ironically not so good at saying that I'm really not ok, so I go half way without often admitting or minimising how unwell I really am. I guess we all do this to a large degree. I am scared that my therapist will leave me if I don't commit to living and hand over my stuff. I am scared that the psych won't help until I hand over my stuff but all this makes me feel like I need to keep it more or use it now. Sorry this part has been really bothering me. 

[Former-Member]

I'm glad you have been able to distract yourself with the jigsaw puzzle. I think you need to do what is best for you.

You are right we do minimize how we feel and also what is happening for us. I am sorry you feel so confused and anxious about the help you are recieving. It would make me feel like this too. How long have you been seeing the therapsit and psych?

[Former-Member]

My therapist I have known for nearly 5 years. We have been only working together again for. About 4 months after a 18 month break. The psych is through community mental health and is the registrar that is currently on rotation. We have not worked it out yet and I always end up in distress with him. There are moves to find a regular psych but I need to find one who will bulk bill and so it will be hard, in theory everyone says I need a regular psych but it will be hard to achieve in practice. My therapist pretty much helps me as a charity case and I pay her what I can each week so I am very grateful to have her. 

Do you see yours privately @Former-Member.? 

[tilaj]

Your writing here is an act of honest courage 

Its not easy to admit not coping yet its not an unusual feeling 

Stress and struggling has been such a major part of my life that I  have accepted it is normal

I hope with all my heart that you feel the hope reaching  out to you

This is my first day  owning my illness in a public forum (all be it anonamously) 

Its a start A good start

Like you I am tired

I have had enough

I am proud 

I am usually the strong one 

None of this has served me well

I keep ending up in the same place

Hiding and skeard 

And now my greatest  fear my son may be following in my footsteps 

Thinking he is not good enough, that he is a failure, that he can beat mental illness (the exaustsive  faulty thinking) on his own

He cant I cant 

My biggest challenge today was to make it to the local shop 

Seems like not a big deal, but like you I cant keep living like this either

I didnt make it but maybe tomorrow

I do not mean to undermine your struggle Your writing helps me be honest with myself This is  not all there is.

With love through the ethernet

[Former-Member]

I do see my psych privately but she is helping me which is great 🙂

I know some of the larger public hospitals have a private practice and from what I remember the psychs there often bulk bill. Plus the private hospital some bulk bill outpatient appointments. I would ring some clinics and ask if thy have any bulk billing Drs or ask your GP to find you someone to see on a regular basis.

I think if he is upsetting you so much I think u should find someone else because they are their to help you.