Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Anondepressed]

My partner has been diagnosed with depression, but still refuses to see that "hey, maybe my GF's had it her ENTIRE life?"

She REFUSES to see ANYTHING that HASN'T been diagnosed (blind), (dumb) because she won't realise that HER choices AFFECT me, (deaf), as she won't listen to me, and just thinks I complain too much.

Well, I wouldn't if she would listen. 

I unfortunately didn't really see the red flags before I moved in (she threatened to dump me if I didn't, so of course I felt like I had to.)

I'm the ONLY one that holds her accountable for her actions. 

But I stupidly saw that she COULD be a better person if it was just the two of us. 

She didn't want to drive the 20kms round trip to come and see me (said she couldn't afford the fuel), so instead she makes my mental state WORSE by MAKING me live with her horrible housemate for god knows how long!

Alt the beginning she wasn't working, but then she decided to, and it didn't help matters much, as she has zero idea how to manage money.

[Shiki]

Hi there,

I can see that your having a real rough time, and by all means vent all you want here if it makes you feel calmer, have you tried suggesting attending a therapy session together make it about both of you instead of just about that person, when you make it about both the other person may find it harder to feel personally attacked but even then sometimes when it comes to seeking help it boils down to the person actually has to want help and be willing to seek it out with you if they agree something is wrong,  in most cases no amount of complaining to that person will do much if they are not wanting help, in this instance i would encourage you to do what is the most important thing, look after yourself. Your own mental health matters and that's something you need to think about if you feel this person is not respecting or listening to you. Constant complaining as you stated will usually just cause more arguments even if you mean well by it the other person is to busy being defensive to realise this. You need to step back from the situation examine it from a different lens maybe stay with a relative or a friend for few days to think to yourself is this what i want? if this person wont seek help, do i want to continue with them? how is it going to affect me if they wont listen? at the end of the day YOU matter the most and you have to do what's right for you whatever that may be, because if your mental health goes down you wont be in any state yourself to discuss things with a clear mind and in a calm manner.  I would also encourage seeking out a psychologist for yourself to sort through this if it become to overwhelming. hope this advice helps you

[tyme]

Hey @Anondepressed ,

I'm sorry to hear that this is what is happening for you. It sounds very frustrating.

As they say, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. You can't make someone see, hear or know something they simply don't want.

It sounds like it is really impacting your mental health. What are some things you have tried to help with your situation?

Also, what is it about your partner that you value and appreciate?

[Anondepressed]

No, I guess you can't make someone do anything.

I think what was happening was that GF was getting so strung out about housemate that she was snapping at me, thinking I was the instigator. 

You see, housemate had a REAL go at me recently, and I challenged her to keep at it. She ended up backing off when she realised she wasn't going to win. 

Me and GF got up early that morning to fix a rust hole on my car. (It can't get driven until it's 

When we were wrapping up (we concluded we couldn't fix it, and are trailering the car to our local metalworker that specialises in older cars, and as such, rustwork), housemate decides to come out and be all pathetic (how she's 'not allowed' to talk to us, how I'm selfish, etc). By the way, that's NOT true.

Housemate can't deal with GF having a partner, and doesn't understand that as a couple, GF and I are going to have time to ourselves and shut her out, so she projects that disdain of that onto me. It COULD also be that we have a girl-girl relationship, and she's not also OK with it as she makes out. It MAY also be that I'm 20 years younger than GF, and housemate really isn't ok with it either. 

Anyway, things are better now (GF has woken up and realised she NEEDS to listen to me more than housemate, and that I am trying to ignore housemate by hiding away in our room) We plan to go to counselling. 

I think things will be OK as long as I stay away from housemate as much as possible. It's a bit easier now, as I've gotten so sick of her just treating me like a helpless child that I've taken my power back, and am doing things for myself. (Cooking my OWN meals that I CHOOSE, Xbox, sewing, crochet, doing my own laundry).

I've had a go at her about trying to take away my independence by doing EVERYTHING for me. 

[tyme]

I'm glad things are shifting a little @Anondepressed .

It's definitely worth being assertive when it comes to setting boundaries. 

Would you consider looking elsewhere to live? I'm just think how hard it must be to actively have to shut your housemate out of things.

Hope you are okay.

[Anondepressed]

Me and GF are planning to move out and get our own place, just us.

However, I'm a bit concerned that this may not happen, as GF has a LOT of expenses (2 cars,1 still under loan, a credit card that she makes barely any progress on, and of course her Zip is beyond maxed out), as she is NOWHERE near as financially responsible as me, even though she works and I actually earn less than she does (we are both on Centrelink) but Doordash is hardly stable. 

I'm on the verge of telling her that she needs to VERY financially stable, BEFORE I will even consider kids (she's getting really clucky, but I'm the opposite). 

She realises that we CANNOT have kids (even if I was sure I wanted them) right now as things are, it would definitely cause fights, and it's really not fair on an innocent young child to go through all that.

What also worries me is that she wants me to have a child just I can get more money out of Centrelink, as an unemployed single parent. I find that wrong, as EVEN if you love that child, you are basically just using it for money. 

It's not really that much more, maybe a few hundred dollars a fortnight extra (it's different for everyone), but I know that kids eat up pretty much ALL of their parent's income in no time. 

Right now, I'm more concerned getting my car on the road, and paying for my driving lessons, both of which are VERY expensive, as my car needs to go the body shop, (I'm thinking $6 grand for paint job that I really want to get done, plus whatever the windshield rust is, and my lessons (specialised) are $2,800, just to get me started.

[tyme]

Actually, you're right. Kids are WAY expensive @Anondepressed .

A few $$$ from centrelink won't go anywhere!

It sounds like there's a lot of things to be done on her part especially in terms of finances... sounds like there are a lot of bills there.

I hope things go smoothly for you both.

[Anondepressed]

I agree wholeheartedly.

Thank you.

It boggles my mind HOW GF can STILL stand to be around housemate when I'm hiding away. (Although she IS getting more and more sick of housemate.)

For instance we made dinner for ourselves tonight. 

I hid away in our bedroom eating alone while she ate in the lounge room with housemate watching TV. 

It took me a while, but I eventually realised that if I'm happy ignoring housemate, she STILL complains to GF, and when I'm unhappy, housemate is pretty pleased. I know it's only coz housemate can't stand to see GF happy with someone else. 

She fancies herself as a "mother" to GF, but when push comes to shove, GF doesn't really matter to her that much.