Walking on the road to recovery ........ 🤔

[Teej]

Sorry @Faith-and-Hope. Posted at the same time. Was going to delete my post but decided to show how nuts I can be when something good happens too. Needing a hug right now 😢

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hugs and more hugs incoming @Teej ..... There will probably be some sort of early connection going on there about deserving happiness or something ..... try to park it and just be in the moment Hon,

You have taken a lot of baby steps forward amongst the back steps too .... but it’s  still a forward motion, and you will get to the bottom of those see-saw feelings eventually ..... everything in its time ....

💜 @Teej ....

[Teej]

I can’t see the pic just yet but thank you @Faith-and-Hope. Remember a couple of years ago when I was doing the four (sometimes 😎 seasons in one day. I’ve had two days of it again. Today when I left my volunteering place I said to myself that I found my new home, a place to belong and have a purpose but since then I’ve gone through so many messed up emotions. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

There will be something driving that (schema ?) that hasn’t been addressed yet @Teej ..... so try to just accept that these things will still happen sometimes, but less and less frequently as your successes and self-confidence build through new experiences exactly like this.

💜🤗💕

Keep swimming ..... 🐠❣️

[Teej]

I’ll share something with you @Faith-and-Hope. I think it’s all linked. Yesterday I saw my psych and out of nowhere I ended up telling her that I can’t really remember much of me from before dday. Memories of the kids are coming back but I often don’t remember me as such. I told her I felt like a blank canvas now but I’m so scared to put anything on the canvas in case I get it wrong. She said that perhaps I had seen myself as so defective before I was pushing all the memories out and that was also creating the fear to go forwards. I guess she might be right. I had my therapist today and she backed that up adding that my over over over thinking is part of that fear to put a mark on the canvas. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Sounds like a feasible explanation to me @Teej (untrained as I am in these things, of course) ..... but I see something similar in how my S2 has had to climb back out of his shell and re-engage in life.   

I hope having that explanation can also help you begin to see that there are “no wrongs” .... in that there are so many versions of “right” you will find ways to put marks on the canvas and live with them ..... eventually you will start to see the beauty in their imperfection ..... and beyond that you will learn that imperfection is actually perfect.

At one time I observed to a nutritionist that my eyes didn’t match in their markings - having an image of my eyes up on a screen in front of us both.  Her answer ?  Our eyes are individual .... we just have two of them that work together .....

That was a revelation to me ..... we are a combination of things .... and our combinations are okay .... like a mosaic .....

Just work on a small piece here and there and let these bits grow into a big picture by themselves.  “Imperfection” does not equal defective ..... I am sure your counsellors will be teaching you that.

[Teej]

Dearest @Faith-and-Hope thank you for last night. Sorry I dropped out. I had got myself distressed and thought I’d end up having to self medicate but managed to get through without so I guess that’s a win for recovery. Recovery 1 / self destruct completely 0 🙃. 

I love the purple mosaic 💜. As I’m writing this, still fueled by mixed emotion, I realise I need a self care day today. Not sure what that looks like just yet but writing this is a start. I hope your time east is ok. I haven’t caught up much on where you are at I’m afraid. 

And for anyone else reading this thread my thoughts today are of acceptance of what is and taking it one day at a time. Today I realise that chaos (mostly emotional) and I are pretty much married, now we just have to get along so we can move forward. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Yay @Teej .... 💜

Even the fact that you recognise the need for a self-care day is a monumental step forward.  Even as a carer where most of the pressures are external, but highly affective emotionally, I need those .....

Start with the best breakfast you can think of Hon, and go from there, as if you were caring for someone else special to you (pick someone, if it helps .... and do for yourself what you would do for them).

Try to isolate moments of joy, and place “touchstones” that represent happy thoughts in the environment around you .... a print-out of the purple mosaic for instance .....

Can I suggest a project for you ?  Buy a hot glue gun, and begin to frame a mirror that is yours, in your personal space, with little purple things ..... doesn’t matter if they are broken, or especially if they are broken, build them into your own personal mosaic frame around the mirror.  They may include a purple moon stone .... a tiny square tile sample from a tile shop (the type used in fancy pool edgings) an odd purple earring, purple beads .... etc.

See what you think.  It could start with a glass jar or vase, and just dropping purple items like this into it.  The jar or vase might be enough without doing anything else with them.

💜🤗💕

[Teej]

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope. I do love your idea of the mirror.

It’s a bit of a strange day as it’s one of my kids birthdays but I won’t see him again until very late tonight.  Maybe that’s a good thing that I get to regroup today. We are celebrating his birthday on Sunday as a family. 

Wow im brain dead just now as I’m struggling to write anything (and my dog is annoying me to play with him). I will have a coffee and meds and ease into the day I think. Maybe as a treat I’ll give myself some forum time later to have a chat. 😊

Thank you as always for being here 💜🤗😘

[Faith-and-Hope]

Love ya @Teej ....💜

You have been there for me more than you know ..... you have helped me navigate within my family situation with things I didn’t know and understand.

Swings both ways ..... 🤗💕