Just checking in.

[Teej]

@Zoe7  Thanks for your response too. 💜💜💜

I think that you helped highlight something for me. I don’t see others as attention seeking just myself. I’m so over conscious about not 'attention seeking' myself. I think you just helped me to realise that my one rule for me and a different rule for everyone else is at play again. 

I guess this this is a heads up (like you probably have all worked out) that I am trying to learn about myself and define who I want to be for the first time. As you’d know @Zoe7, the move away from total si ideation to finding a life worth living for is a huge learning curve. 

I think following your  journey from where you came from to where you are headed now is a totally inspirational one and one I’m so glad I’ve been a part of. I guess there is some of that that I’ve been wondering about. If I post more of maybe the real me (not quite sure who she is yet, it’s a progress in the making ) then it might be helpful to others. Maybe it’s under this context that I’m questioning some of those things about posting. 

Thanks again for your input 💜🤗

[Teej]

Sorry @Zoe7 we must have been posting on different threads at the same time. I am sorry you have some big questions going on too and that you are having to try so hard to get through again. It really sucks when all our energy feels like it’s just to survive. I’m so glad you had the support at school today. People truly care, keep reminding yourself of that. 💜🤗

[Zoe7]

I actually love when you post @Teej You share a lot about you without even realising it. It is not always about the positives or negatives we are going through - it is often about the way we support others that show our true worth - and in that respect you are worth a hell of a lot. You give of yourself in that support and the parts of your story you share helps others understand not only who you are but the place you are coming from - and that is gold Hon. 

I do not at all see you as an attention seeker - quite the opposite in fact. You often come on when you are struggling but then also pull back when you think you need to - that is okay if it is comfortable for you to do so but you also need to know that we are here for you when/if you want to be Teej. You have been such a wonderful support to me (and others) over the years and if we can give just a little bit of that back to you then I for one am more than happy to do so. You are such an integral part of what makes this community work - you have courage, strength and compassion far beyond what you believe and all of that makes you the wonderful person you are. Don't ever doubt that Hon as we see it in you with every post and every bit of support you give to others. It is wonderful having you as part of this community and we are definitely here for you 

[Zoe7]

Thank you for you kind words @Teej There is that compassion and care that I see in you 

[Teej]

I’ll share something with you all reading this thread. ( @Zoe7 , @CheerBear , @Faith-and-Hope , @Shaz51 , @Sans911 , @outlander,  @eth , @oceangirl and everyone who has read or supported me 

After d day when I finally had my breakdown my therapist told me that I knew what everyone else around me needed except for me. My reaction at the time was the fact that I had nothing about me that people liked, it was my ability to know a bit what others need that all my relationships were around. I wasn’t angry at everyone just at myself because I felt worthless, pointless and that I had nothing that made me unique or an individual with an identity. This ran so deep that it’s been the cause of attempts in the past. 

Over easter something happened to change that and then the following week something else happened that threw me into disarray again. At Easter I went feeling the burden, that I couldn’t understand why my friends would want me there, that I had nothing of substance to offer them. I was pretty messed up about it all. When I got there, there was a bit of a crisis going on where a parent was very worried about their childs (late teenagers) mh. The parent was a bit distressed and so unsure. I offered to talk to the child which was taken up. We talked for maybe over an hour and they were beautiful and open and honest about what was going on for them. I was able to reassure parent that child had this, had great insight and it was ok (which it was). For the first time in a very long time I felt like I had something to offer. I talked to my psych about it and she told me that I have good insight into myself and others and that maybe it was a strength. 

About the same time as this someone on the forum was struggling so much and I wanted to fix it but made it worse again for them. I hated myself again thinking that I was useless and really sucked at it. I talked through this bit in counselling again and came to the understanding that it’s not a black or white thing, I can do or can’t do, it’s on a spectrum and not black or white. It’s something that I can’t possibly know how to do all the time and that I’ll get it wrong lots. I couldn’t live with wrong before but now I understand I need to and perhaps embrace the wrong as a learning curve. This is about me and no one else on the forum incase anyone is second guessing themselves. 

All of these revelations have had me thinking about embracing some of it again and letting myself find who is really under the hood 😳:face_with_rolling_eyes:. On Saturday I found some of her again for the first time in almost 8 years but there is more to learn and develop. It feels like at this age it’s a race against the clock. 

Its also a very very big reason I think why I have yo yo'd all over the place with my participation on the forum over recent years. For now I’m trying to put on my big girl pants and learn how to be wrong without sh. It’s pretty much a thing for me 😱 😳. I’d also like to explore how to support others in a helpful way. Having insight and knowing what to do about it are two different things for me. I think one is natural and one in my case is learned. 

If youve read through all this you deserve a chocolate frog 😜

hugs to you all that help me 💜🤗

[Faith-and-Hope]

🌐 💃 🎶 ..... @Teej 🎉

Love you Hon and I am so pleased for you ❣️

[Teej]

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope 🙏💜🤗 I’m not sure it is a celebratory thing yet, more a recognition and things to work on. There is a bloody steep hill to climb yet. 

[CheerBear]

Loved reading this post @Teej 😊❤

Hugs to you for being you 😘

[Faith-and-Hope]

I know about steep hills @Teej  ..... you take them one step at a time ..... big steps or itty-bitty ones, and when you need to stop and rest, well then you need to stop and rest ❣️

I am celebrating the recognition ..... the sense that the is a path forward here, even if it means cutting down vines and slipping in the mud on the track.

Just keep going Hon ...... a little at a time, and celebrate the wins along the way.

We’re all here, walking along with you.

💜

[Teej]

Thanks again for the encouragement  @Faith-and-Hope . Knowing me it won’t be cutting down vines or slipping in mud, it will be running into a pack of wild boars 🐗 😜💜😘