rough time

[Shaz51]

ah ha @Teej

ok sister @outlander xx

[outlander]

Hi @Teej

Thank you for your post, thats really kind of you. im sorry it took so long to reply and about having a book.

It has been really hard with therapy so far, most of which is because I havent sound the right psych so half of my sessions have been a waste of time. Its been a long 2 yrs already 😞
With the headspace psych she seems ok though so I dont want to change again and since ill be again limited in my sessions itll be the 10 sessions once a fortnight until it runs out again.
I have been trying not to do the pressuring myself thing but I know you know how hard that is to do.
Its kinda sad that even the helplines dont help anymore or im often hung up on. I very rarely ring unless I have tried at least 3 things first to resettle down so im not wasting their resources but I still dont find them helful anymore but more rather that sighing response from them all.
This relapse is really hitting hard, harder than usual, after a few days I can bring myself back up from the hiccups but this time its been ages and nothing is really changing. I feel like its getting worse with more sh urges, SI, mood switches and all the rest, and im struggling to cope as it is. 'I dont want to die but I dont want to live' pops up a lot. I worry where I might end up if I cant find abit of balance somewhere esp during the silly season and next yr.

I dont really know what my needs are either Teej, so im like you in that area too. And yes it is confusing for me. It also bring out lots of thoughts and questions like 'why am I bothering to go if I dont know what I need' ' how can they help me if I cant help myself' I guess thats why she wants to do exposure therapy. Im trying really hard to listen to her so that she can help me but the thought of doing that scares the shite out of me but in a way maybe its what I need too? I dont really know what else to do anyway.

Friendships are really hard, ive struggled with them my whole life but since leaving school it become twice as hard. I could handle being a loner in school, I had many things I could work on outside of school but now its as lonley as ever even though im surrounded by others.

There is a few threads about friendships, I might take a read when I feel I can. I guess thats a lot of the 'I dont feel normal or fit in anywhere' comes into it as well because I really stuggle to relate to esp the younger people my age but thats the ideal place where id want to be. Ive still got that 'reckless' inner child hanging around even though ive grown up fast, so it still give me those urges to go out and drink etc as well as dating but not sure about that! but its also making me quite irritated too in not doing anything but i also just cant.. not sure if that makes sense thought

[outlander]

and thank you for the hugs @Shaz51

[Teej]

@outlander There are some counselling services that are run through not for profit organisations that you don’t have to use your mh care plan visits on. I’m pretty sure they are more one off ones where you may not be able to see the same person but it might be helpful to talk to someone about one thing only. 

I agree that accessing helplines won’t help with long term things and they will be so repetitive. I went through a stage of overusing them and then it created more frustration and I’d sh anyway. I understand that phase you are in now when you have a need to reach out so desperately but can’t fill the void or distress at the time it’s tipping you over. I still go through that but much less frequently now. I remember when it was relentless. 

Im also wondering if the helplines with places like headspace can actually help support you and work through a smaller problem when you contact them rather than the overwhelm. I’m not sure exactly how their helplines work. I’ve found this year that has been a much more effective way for me to work through things on a helpline.

Maybe as well you could work through things like boundaries for you in your caring and family situations. Once I found the repeating themes of my distress it’s helped to map it out. This time I say to my psych that I want her to help me with xyz. When I see my therapist I pick something that I know is her strength that she can help me with. If I use a helpline or on the forum I try to have something that I know is a good thing to work out through here. Previously I’d get so wound I’d be saying the same thing to each one and getting nowhere fast and became more desperate and anxious and insecure. To tell the truth I don’t have it working effectively yet but I’m hopeful I will at some point and it’s a lot better than it’s been. 

On friendships I could try to give you some teej tips which are not likely to be helpful or relevant to your age as I’m often reminded by my kids that I don’t have a clue how friendships work these days 🤔😏. I do have experience with having some but I’m definitely not an expert. 

I do hope you get to do exposure therapy with this psych. It sounds like a good thing to work on with her. I don’t have those kind experiences with flashbacks or nightmares. It seems like a really important thing for you to work through. 

You are clever @outlander. I’ve watched you learn so much since you’ve been on the forum. You learn quickly and absorb lots. If you are in the right mind frame one day maybe break it down to the recurring things. Look back through your worry book and see what comes up over and over. That will help you prioritise and work out how to find the right support for each thing. I know you feel frustrated with feeling like it’s the same thing over and over. It still is for me. It broke my heart to tell her a few months ago that therapy wasn’t working. She reassured me that one person can’t do it all especially the way the system is now. In an ideal world maybe it would be different. It helped me to then work out what was the most helpful and from whom. 

Nothing changes quickly. One of the things I struggled with for ages was that I had 187 pages of crisis on my struggle thread. I hated it but I couldn’t change it either. I was so ashamed of that I added it into the mix. People on the forum get that you can go through the same stuff over and over and it’s ok. Baby step by baby step it changes, more rapidly for some, glacially slow for me 🤦‍♀️. I still go through crisis pretty much weekly but it’s not quite as frequently and a little less intense mostly. 

I hope this isnt too preachy again. I don’t have the answers, just my experiences to share. They may be so different to yours and that’s ok too. 💜🤗

[outlander]

@Teej

I had this problem with counselling as before. So much enquiring and I was getting no where. It just got to much. I guess for now Ill just stay with the headspace counsellor ive got now and just keep working with her.

The headspace helpline is ok, however you can only use it once a week which is ok. Most of the time their response is to use the coping strategies that help you along with just ride it out, thats always whats said on khl too. I very rarely use any of the helplines anymore.
When you say can they help support me rther than overwhelm and work on a smaller problem- can you expand on that abit?

This phase sucks. I dont really reach out anymore, I havent really contacted helplines for ages unless I really feel the need to. . If its the same thing thats bothering me then I shouldnt have to keep asking for help with it. Atm the constant feeling is distress, it never really eases even when im busy or occupied, it just seems to get higher and higher in its level.

My boundaries are slowly getting there even if the walls are constantly trampled, I just have to try and keep building them up till they are strong enough, even the boundaries are a source of anxiety, its been like that for ages so its making it like a double whammy to work with.


Theres nothing wrong with teej tips, if theres tip your comfortable in sharing then please do, it might help others who are reading as well. Apart of the challenge is that I havent kept any friends from school (not that I had any) and I dont really have anywhere that I could make friends either. The horses were a good place however thats just gone right down the drain and now its the last place I want to be- which was reinforced once again today. Im pretty sure its just me causing it all somehow just not sure how. Ever since I had a breakdown everythings changed but the people I was talking to recently are slowly start to dissaapear. I need to learn to talk to others properly or put a better mask on about being happy or something. Honestly feeling like an awful person.

Ill get to do exposure therapy, shes already given me homework to do over the next 3 months until I see her again. And then keep working with that once I get the new care plan happening. My nightmares and 'visions' lately havent been about any of my traumas which is strange, its got nothing to do with it but they surround the theme of death. Ive been trying to have a think about what mightve been happening around this time over the past yr or so and maybe link it up. Nothings come up so far. she wants me to try and use one the dbt skills in engaging the wise mind in amongst the chaos. you might be familiar with that since youve done dbt too.

Thank you for the compliments Teej, I can already see the recurring things but its the things that I cant change or the change has to be really slow . Sometimes I think I should just pack up and leave and sort myself out then come back but I know that also wouldnt help anything either and would probably make it worse rather than better.

I dont really have the support of anyone except for here which makes it abit tricky when I need to talk about the things that I cant say here or forever feeling like im a broken record. I can at least work through some things on my own even if they do like to repeat themselves over and over again. Practice makes perfect right?

And no its not preachy, I really appreciate you sharing this stuff with me and your experiences on whats helped (and what hasnt). You and this convo are helping me to get abit of focus tonight rather than running away from things or doing what i know i would regret doing. 
Thank you 

[outlander]

hi sis @Sans911

hi @Former-Member i see you under the likes too.

[Teej]

@outlander I just took the dog for a walk and missed your reply. I need to do a few things and will try to respond again. 

Hi and hugs @Sans911. Would love a sans update when I get back too. 💜🤗

[outlander]

thanks @Teej no rush, just when you feel up for it

[Sans911]

Evening @outlander. Nice chat you've been having with Teej.

[outlander]

yes it has been @Sans911

How are you going tonight? id wondered where you got to today