How and why do I get to this stage?

[LittleBear1]

I’d had enough in 2013 and tried to end it all but was stopped by a stranger and ended up in a mental health hospital for 2 weeks. I was diagnosed with PTSD and MDD. 6 years later I tried again 3 times. I thought I’d recovered and regained my life. But 2 years ago my only child, 30, completely cut me off. 

2 weeks ago I had access to something that should work. I struggled over the thought of ending my physical, emotional and mental pain forever. I convinced myself to give it 24hours. Contacted my Psychiatrist and had a long conversation. He is now away for 4 weeks. 

But what still bothers me is why and how do I get to this stage of wanting to escape and end it all?  I'm trying to make a safety plan but I can’t identify my triggers. I have no friend to confide in. Last time I told my husband he was furious that I would do that to him. 

[tacocat]

Sorry to hear you're going through such a hard time, but I am glad to hear you're being proactive in trying to put together a safety plan @LittleBear1 

I know it's not the same as having friends that you can talk to in person, but you always have us here at the forums. We're not going to judge you, and we'll do what we can to support you in creating a safe space, even if it is a virtual one. 

Stay strong...