Hey @pinklollipop15! I am sorry that things have gotten difficult in your relationship, and hope that you two can work through it all!
So from what you're describing, it's like a defence mechanism, yeah? Like 'if I push them away first, they can't reject me and hurt me' kinda thing? It's an absolutely normal thing to be dealing with. Super annoying and difficult, but something I'm sure many here can relate to. I think it's a pretty common experience for folks with BPD for example (though not exclusively a BPD experience, mind you!).
I think it's basically like... our inner protector is really adamant that we don't experience the pain of rejection again. And the closer we get to a new person, the more hurt they could cause us by leaving. This can result in things like pulling away, self-sabotage, or subconsciously looking for reasons the person might leave so we can make sure we 'get there first' kinda thing.
Does this resonate with your experiences? If it does, then perhaps that is something you could bring into the conversation, like 'hey so I'm realising I have this trauma response, and I really wanna work on it, but whilst I do that there might be times when x or y behaviour comes out - please don't take it personally, and please know it doesn't necessarily reflect my true feelings.' Food for thought anyway, only you will know how best to approach this!!
As to whether you should get counselling - that is entirely your decision to make! But I'd say it couldn't hurt, especially if it could also be beneficial to your relationships! Maybe have a gander at services offered by Relationships Australia? They do counselling for couples, but they do individual as well I'm pretty sure.
I hope this helps! And yeah, do remember that all of this stuff can be worked on and changed, just takes time 💜
