I have to say, ashamedly, I did the same thing this week. A past friend, a woman I knew, I'm a man, but friends. She has a particular disorder that makes it incredibly difficult for her in her interpersonal relationships. She bought me right into her world last December. I had known her for 5 months before that as 1 person, then one night, she became a different person. And she never came back to the person I knew, ever. The following 3 months were so traumatic, sometimes incredibly fun, often sad, often mean, ambivalent all over. the stress just drained me until I was unable to leave my bed for a week. I knew this was all I could do. I didn't know what to say when I was going to leave the friendship. If I tried to recognize her pain, she pushed back with anger, If I said nothing, she would push buttons in me. I had to just go without saying why. This disorder is so difficult. I ran into her last week after 4 months away. She was yelling at me, angry I'd left that way (understandable.) All I could say was "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, but I can't come back." She hacked into me heavily, "You meant nothing to me." "you broke my heart." and a lot of very cruel things. That night, just wanting all these conflicting felling to end. I wrote a very bad email to her. It was the flip side of a two sided coin of how i actually felt. It was half the truth. As everything was. Everything had a contradictory meaning and message. So, I had to close this as the damned if I do. She has two letters, one for each side of the coin. I just couldn't hold her pain inside my heart anymore, after 6 months, when I could never grasp on to it. She was unreachable. This is something she lives with. And I can't do anything about it. Only she can do anything about it when she chooses. My councilor and some other people have been asking me about how I feel after my fathers death. He was an amazing father. I can never answer that. I had a great father as long as I did. But times like this. He was the person who would have listened to me for hours on end, without judgment. He is gone now. Nights like this, we'd be up until 3am talking back and forth. I feel like I've lost my way. I feel he would have filled in all the gaps over the last 6 months. This is the first thing I've said about my father's passing. With my old friend. I just don't know if anything ever reaches her fully; she escapes reality. Hopefully she understood those 2 contrasting letters as being the same person in me, flawed, kind, not perfect, too empathetic, caring, Strong, weak, passionate, disappointed, disappointing. Just a person struggling against a disorder that engulfs her and all those around her. I wish her the bast in life.
