Lived Experience Forum

[Powderfinger]

@Owen45 

It's never tooate to share that with people who are deserving a d appreciate that part of you. It would be a shame for these people not to. 

PF

[Corny]

You are at one of the lowest points in your life right now @Powderfinger and it is very painful to face our past, especially our childhood when our safety was largely in the hands of others and we were powerless to change our circumstances. Biological processes of love, attachment and bonding that we have no control over as a child were laid down with abusive people. Undoing this damage and seeing those people for all their ugly truth is a very slow and painful process with lots of set backs along the way. Some people should never have had children. 

I hope that your mentor is gentle and experienced. But getting to root causes can help us not make the same mistakes again, especially when it comes to romantic partnerships where we are most vulnerable. You would be vulnerable to falling into another abusive relationship again, its almost like they can see a wounded animal in us, easy prey. Take a break from relationships while you build your strength. 

I am sorry that you don't have any family. I understand desolate loneliness and would not be alive if I had been an only child. We have completely screwed our society, just because people don't have a birth family, or they have all died, they shouldn't be alone and lonely. In other societies and cultures you would still have community and feel a part of a clan. You walk through the suburbs in Australia and no one is sitting out the front on the porch or verandah to have a chat with neighbours, its like where the hell is everybody? They're all on their phones, ipads or playstations. 

My condolences that you are a rainbow child living in a football, farts and for*skins kinda town, oh my how do you survive P. Don't tell me, don't tell me, she's into NRL. Oh bless her heart P you know what she's done with her NPD......she's gone and watched a whole lot of Netflix. Is it just me or is there a surplpus of Suburban-Mom-and-Pop-become-hardcore-drug-dealers shows on there, they are all the same. Bless her small brain, she's gone, yeah oh yeah I can do that. Easy yeah I can do that. NPD can make people very industrious P. Dont worry P leave it with Corny I have conneX at the AFP, I'm onto it. God I love being on welfare, living in community housing and being uneducated, people assume you're stupid. Its a great camouflage to have.

And she is going to be a sound healer! Ha! Isn't she a scream P.

Corny 

[Owen45]

Thanks Powderfinger. 

[Powderfinger]

@Corny 

I want to try to this at a later point. Having a bad day today and need self care. 

PF

[Powderfinger]

@Corny hi. I feel in a slightly better position to write now. I'm not yet ready to talk about my childhood. I will say it is so brave and takes courage to truly choose to look at it, to feel the pain, to feel everything associated with it and choose to heal. That takes definite courage, love and bravery. This is something the NS is not capable of. They are weak. 

Why these people choose to have children, I do not know? It is irrelevant to me and my own healing. I trust my new mentor. I can say I truly do. It's deeper healing than that of a traditional therapist, soul healing. The mental healing will come from a very good psychologist which I hope I get in thus 3 month suicide therapy program. Then there is also the fact that I also need to do the work to heal myself. 

I have zero intention of being in a new relationship. I'm not even thinking about it. In fact I am not capable of a relationship right now. 

I agree that people that have no family should not be alone or lonely. 100% It's a terrible affliction and heartbreaking part of humanity. We are the primitives. Society today is not something I enjoy too much at all and the 20th century is a big disappointment to me personally. 

What humanity has created is certainly a big concern in many areas of life. Me, being awake is hard and you don't have to be entirely awake either to feel that things just are not right. 

You being on welfare and living in community housing means nothing about who you are. The rich can live the same as those who abuse the welfare system and trash community houses. The only difference between the two is money. All else is the same. 

I really don't know who she is @Corny There is also the sociopath side of her. She needs to be in a permanent psychiatric home or jail. Sometimes though I'm not sure if jail is right, somewhere definitely but just not sure if jail achieves much except to keep a person locked up. 

As for her becoming a sound healer. It simply is not possible. Any healer of any kind needs to face themselves, their wounds, their shadow, their darkness and heal as well. This is not something possible for her. What concerns me is the potential damage she will and is capable of. It truly concerns me. At this point I can't do much about it because I need to look after me. It is on my mind though and takes hard work to put it aside and focus just on me. 

PF

[Corny]

I'm sorry P @Powderfinger  for laughing I am 11 years post- abusive person who happened to have a mental illness (PD), and some of their behaviours can now crack me up. A sound healer?......I thought you were pulling my leg, that is funny, you have to admit it. She now believes she is Jesus or Buddha, all the while bagging you out for not pulling your weight around the house to look after her children. Classic abusive narcissist, accept no responsibility and blame shift. She only had children to serve her and now she's done with them as well as being done with you. They are no longer of any use to her until she is old and haggard enough when she will expect them to be her carer.....poor kids I hope they run for the hills. 

These Bi's @Powderfinger in my experience they always end up saying bye-bi-baby because the grass is always greener and they are never content (steady on Bi's and Pan's out there, my sexuality is not fluid, please do not speak for all of us). Or is she a total conartist and faked being lez? She's done you a favour mate, you're too good for her. I know it hurts like hell seeing her with another person, but she would delight in that. She will rub it in and if it fails, try to get you back. She has responsibilities and that is what she signed up for when she decided to become a parent. 

You're really going out on your own P with lots of determination. You have a lot of strength in adversity and you've been through a lot. You don't have to talk about childhood stuff on here, there's never any pressure to do that. Anyone can find themselves in an abusive relationship......I promise you it isn't presonal. It took me years to see that, but I go there! Abusive people are pitiful people. Corny 

[Powderfinger]

@Corny 

Yes, you are 11 years post abusive relationship, it would be easier for you to laugh at it now. I am 2-3 days of the final end of well THIS and all it has been. I formly believe that I have to find my own truth about it all in order to heal from this and to heal myself. Every single level of me has been affected. This is what is right and true for me. I keep including sociopathy. This is just as important as the narcissism. Yes, there are many things to read up about it. I could read all day about it. However, there is only so much reading one can do. Eventually you need to unpack experientally and make some sense of what is nonsensical. If I do not, my mind will always be well to put it plainly completely fucked like it is now. The absolute frustration I feel of people not knowing what my mind is like now makes me want to scream some days. 

I no longer know the truth about her sexuality. I don't even care. I am also not upset she is with someone else. I encouraged her to pursue it, with no issues on my end. I don't even know if it was the truth or lies. She could have made it up. She made many things up, and if it was every the truth embellished it. I just do not care @Corny Nor do I have any care or feel anything for the new person if they exist. I have zero desire to warn them or find out who it is. I just simply do not care at all. I am not hurting about it, I can assure you. 

Her kids cannot see who she really is. Two of them over 18 and the other one who is 12. The 12 year old is turning out like her. I care not for her kids. Only her son. He is actually a decent and nice guy. The two girls... pfft. Whatever. Whether they see later on oin their life or not, who knows. All I know is I don't feel anything and one day it will be like I never even went through this. IF she tries to come back she will be ignored completely. Without explaining what many know nothing about, I will just say, she is prevented from ever being able to come near me and she will be stopped. That is all I will say. 

I have always gone out on my own @Corny. I know nothing else. I know it can happen to anyone at all. It certainly is not personal, I do know this. This went way beyond standard abuse @Corny 

PF

[Corny]

You're just completely done @Powderfinger .

The relationship is beyond repair, and I am so relieved for you that it is over. 

A lot of people believe that a person that has committed the sorts of crimes that have been committed against you, can be rehabilitated. Until you have experienced pure evil, a lot of them won't budge on this naive and sheltered belief. I too have experienced sociopathy and psychopathy from 2 males. These aren't episodic states she is in, they are personality traits. And yes, I agree wit you, even though it isn't popular opinion in some circles, we need gated communities where criminals live out the rest of their days. It is too dangerous for them to be in the community, I do believe in life sentences. 

I understand your need to read and understand. I am similar. I have to know the truth, all of it, even if it retraumatises me. I was very very young when very violent trauma happened to me, so it only came back in fragments, it was so destabilising. But when I had the whole narrative, my psyche settled. It settled into a dark depression, but I had the truth now. 

It's OK to go out on your own. This is very common amongst the community of child abuse survivors to live like this. Your ex is the total opposite, which is another red flag to an abusive person. Pathological lying and mimicking others biographies is very narcissistic too......the body doesn't lie though, it is very accurate and truthful.

I hope that you are sleeping OK, baby steps, and trying to be gentle with our progress and stamina, Corny 

[Powderfinger]

@Corny 

Hi, I'm in a moment of rage right now. Wanting to destroy everyone who is in my path. Hurricane Lee. I woke up angry and it's been simmering all day. When I put on Metallica- don't tread on me that's the first warning sign that Lee is going to explode. This is when the thoughts about seriously hurting others comes in and even though I won't do it, they are powerful. The frustration of not being able to makes my rage worse. I very rarely get like this but when I do, it ain't good. If I can't hurt anyone, I shut my door and tell everyone to Fu...K off. 

I'm.so angry at the years of injustice. Child abuse should be a damn crime. Damn right there should be heavy consequences. Life sentences definitely. I and many others already have a life sentence. Make that a life sentence for each parent and the people who knew and did not stop it. 

I think it's time I sent a letter to two people in particular. They are still alive. Maybe now it's my time to speak and tell them what I think of them. Send it. No burning it. Send the letter. Tell some truths. End this major fu...king war within myself and others. Do some truth telling. I don't want to hear back from them. I don't care what they have to say. There is nothing they can say. It's for me, not them. 

As for this gutter trash of a woman, pathetic. Couldn't care less what happens to her. My heart needs to learn to be ice towards these people. She doesn't deserve care, compassion or empathy. I'm tired of being understanding regarding people's cruelty and evilness. I'm tired of no justice or consequence for victims like myself, yourself and the countless others. Australia is bull...it when it comes to any of this. Honestly total bill..it.

I can't stand being around sheltered people. Not because I'm jealous of them, but because they know nothing about life, about survival, not about the evil that is out there. I really hate Australia on most days. A very very lazy society. 

I can't even deal with some of the stuff. The evilness. Bull..it there is no such thing as evil. Absolute....bull..hit. Do, I feel vengeful. Yes, yes I do. I feel justified vengeance. The only question I ask is whatever I choose to do or not do, will it truly make me feel better? Will it help ME heal or cause more damage. If it will help ME, then my answer is always YES. I no longer worry how it will impact someone else. Not my problem. 

As for her, there are no words. I'm so tired of these people including her flying underneath everyone's radar while their victims suffer and have zero justice. I don't trust nor believe in the justice system in thus country. Not one bit. I wish at times we had the justice system of the United States here. Australian government is pi...s weak. 

PF

[Jynx]

Hey @Powderfinger 

Your anger is justified; it is deeply unfair and downright deplorable the way a lot of abuse is handled. I'm very sorry that it has impacted you so deeply. 

I just wanted to check in with you about your emotional state at the moment. I hope even just the process of writing has been helpful for you. I know you have said you would never act on your violent thoughts about hurting others, I always check in anyway just in case. Do you have ways you safely express your anger? 

Hear to listen if you need.