Thank you for thinking of my @outlander @Faith-and-Hope .
I knew that I had my own thread somewhere @ShiningStar and didn't have to crash @Faith-and-Hope , but I think my instinct was to jump into the warmest snuggliest lap when my Mum died, I don't really ask, I just do. I used to do that my Nana and Pop.
Just feeling lots of strong emotions right now. I hate schizophrenia. I hate mental illness. I hate domestic violence. I hate childhood abuse. I just want them all annihilated off this earth. I have the paperwork here to donate my brain to Sydney Uni when I die, I will fill it out this week and someone can cut up my noodle. I don't want all of this suffering I have been through to be for nothing. Dr Kindness shocked me on Friday, even though I shouldn't be shocked, but I still am, we were talking about trauma of course, and he said someting like, "there is trauma and then there is terror and torture". He said "you are my 1st patient in this country I have ever met that has all the physiological marks of torture".........broke my heart for my little pre-schooler self, but when you think about it I am a victim of War, the Vietnam War........had a shocker with my flashbacks this week and have been house bound.
I am just trying to take it day by day.
Love and hugs to you all, Corny 
Yes @Faith-and-Hope I got that impression from your posts, I can't remember what it was that gave me that impression, but I sensed that there was some war trauma passed down. How could it not be. I hope that you are enjoying Uni holidays. I really hoped to re-enrol next year but my stress disorder probably will get in the way. I may be forced to move soon, sooner than I wanted, and I can only cope with one stressful thing at a time, my nervous system reacts as if I am juggling 5 things at once; I've broken my body.
Hugs @outlander
Hi @Corny
It’s so lovely to hear from you
Thank you so much for your patience and understanding in relation to the amount of time that it has taken for me to be able to reach back to you
Oh Corny We all need someone who we can turn to when we’re feeling distressed and as such, it’s completely understandable that you sought comfort from @Faith-and-Hope when your mum died
As I read this part of your story, I could hear so many powerful emotions and given everything that has happened to you throughout our life, it’s no wonder that you feel so enraged!
In my experience, living with so many powerful emotions can be excruciating and there have been times in my life when the anger and rage that I felt was so intense that I felt as though I was on fire!
During these times, every part of me was screaming and I felt so overwhelmed that I didn’t know where to go or what to do to find the relief that I so desperately needed. Out of all of the emotions, anger is the one that I find the most challenging to take care of safely.
I can really hear how you ’hate’ living with schizophrenia and my heart goes out to you Although I don’t live with this particular mental health condition, I can really appreciate some of the ways that mental health conditions can impact our lives and I’ve lost count of the number of times when I’ve also wished that I didn’t live with mental health conditions.
I felt incredibly moved when you shared ‘I don't want all of this suffering I have been through to be for nothing.’ In my experience, it can be inconceivable to think that all of the pain, anguish and torment that we’ve experienced throughout our lives has been in vain. As such, I can really appreciate how important it is for you to create a sense of meaning from all of the trauma and adversity that you’ve experienced and how your experiences have guided your decision in relation to organ donation
I’m so deeply sorry to hear that your Therapist told you that ‘you’re the first patient that has the psychological marks of torture’ and I can’t even begin to imagine the impact that this has had upon you
Revisiting childhood memories can be extremely painful and confronting and in my experience, it can be devastating to see the ways in which trauma has impacted our lives.
I’m so deeply sorry to hear that you’re ‘a victim of war’ and I can’t even begin to imagine the horrors that you’ve experienced and how these continue to impact you today
I’m so pleased that you’re taking everything day by day and I just ever so gently wanted to encourage you to continue to be kind, patient and gentle with yourself
Also, I just wanted to share with you that I’ve decided to take some time away from the forums and so please don’t worry if it takes me even longer to reach back to you
In the meantime, please know that I’ll be thinking of you and sending you some very gentle and caring hugs at such a difficult time
I look forward to talking with you again soon
Take care of yourself,
ShiningStar
Thanks @ShiningStar I totally understand taking a break from the forums and even the internet in general. Like any new habit there is a void when you stop doing something you regularly do, but with time you take on new habits and start to forget, which is healthy. We are not supposed to be constantly reminded of our past. I forget that social media exists now, my sibs text me pics of animals like from Wombat Wednesday on Instagram but that is the extent of my social media use. I hope that you have supportive care in the offline world and that your treatment works, even if it is painstakingly slow at times, and that you too, have your own Dr Kindness like I am lucky enough to have. It takes so much stamina to live with chronic mental illness, and I understand how depleted you can feel.
I don't have Schizophrenia @ShiningStar , my Mum did, its been in my family for generations, and I was expressing my hatred and frustration at the disease that tortured her for most of her life, as I reflect on her life and death. I did have a psychotic break at 36, so I am prone to psychosis, & Dr K doesn't have the technology to prove this, but he thinks that the roots of my psychosis was Dissociative. The nature of my hallucinations were opposite to Schizophrenia, they were calming involving people that love me, not agitating, and my body went into a state like I was being put to sleep, when the nurse took my vitals in ER my Sis said that my heart rate was 38bpm. Even after being admitted to a ward, moving around, eating etc it only went up to 44bpm. It will remain a mystery what happened to my body, but my guess is, that is the state I entered when experiencing the repeated violence I did as a preschooler. I am on the NDIS and DSP for PTSD. I could still develop Schizophrenia or Bipolar Disorder, but I don't have that on my resume yet. But when you've been really sick and been in hospital a long time, you start to not care what the diagnosis is, you just want the treatment to work, because you are living on a ward with people where no treatment is working and witnessing their suffering is very distressing.
I understand how you feel about the anger, I can really relate to that especially in 2016, and the only thing that gives some relief is exercise for me. But long term, the best relief has been therapy, and a lot of it. Working through and dealing with the emotions of my experiences takes the heat out of the anger, because you begin to process the sadness. Of course it is a full time job monitoring it and it takes a lot of lifestyle choices to keep it at a manageable level, you really do have to have a holistic approach, because our wheels come off very easily.
I am doing my best to hold space for little Corny, while grieving the death of my Mum, facing my own mortality and the mortality of everyone I love.......but that's just a part of life. We all have to face it even though it is so incredibly painful, our society is quite odd how it hides death and dying. I think we would all make very different choices if we were confronted more regularly with its inevitability, I know I will and my sibs have said they will. Mum wasted so many years with an abusive, depressing, agro man, I don't want to waste the years I have left. Some people are happy just to exist, but the thought of that is so depressing to me. I find people that have no reverence for life really unattractive, the same boring sh*t day-in-day-out, wash-rinse-repeat, wash-rinse-repeat.
We had a cracker of a storm here last night ShiningStar, it got a little scary, but there were some amazing cloud formations. I really hope that you are OK, take some quiet time for yourself
Corny
Thank you @Faith-and-Hope I hope that you are going Ok with all the legals etc. We have started working through Mum's estate and using her lawyer again, and seeing his name pop up in my email brings it all back, dealing with my father's abuse and NPD not to even begin on his financial mismanagement and selfishness...the stress was just so awful, take care Corny
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